Sister Zahraa

Written by Sister Zahraa
I remember being a very young toddler and being in church. I remember being taught verses from the Bible, and knowing that it was the verses that I needed to remember, not the Bible as a whole. When I became conscious of my existence on this earth, I remember praying to God alone.
I prayed to God alone at all times until I was around 9 years old. When I was 9, I recall being told that God doesn't answer or even hear prayers that are not ended in the name of Jesus(as). For this reason, wanting to be correct in my supplications to God, I ended all prayers in the name of Jesus(as).
Never during my life as a Christian, did I view Jesus(as) as God Himself. Nor did I feel that he was equal to God. I changed churches several times because each denomination seemed a little different as far as the view of Jesus(as) went. Finally I settled into a Pentecostal church where my grandfather was a preacher. It was taught there that women are to be modest. I liked that. Even at a very young age, I felt that scantily clad women were women deprived of common decency. The Pentecostal church is of the thinking that women should wear long sleeves, and skirts, and never dress like a man; wearing pants and such. I did wear pants, but always wore shirts that went near the knee. This caused my mother to be very irritated with me as when I didn't wear long shirts over my pants, I'd tie a long sleeve shirt around my waist to cover my self from view. I recall crying when my mother bought me a dress to wear when I was 6 years old because when I sat down, my under clothes would show. I have always been modest in dress. There is a picture of me in that dress along with my brother. You can clearly see the tears in my eyes from having to wear that dress. My point here is that God, I feel, has created girls with a degree of shame and a desire to be modest until it is corrupted by society and popular fashions; making women and girls feel inadequate if they don't dress in a manner suggestive of sexual readiness, even at a young age.
I remember being afraid of the dark to the point of going to bed well before it would get dark. Because of this fear, and my reliance on God to help me, I would leave room beside me for angels. I recall during those nights where I would be terrified with nightmares and my fears of having them that I always, for some reason unknown to me even now, pleaded with God, alone, to protect me. It never entered my mind that anyone else had more power to help me.
When I was in the 4th grade, 11 yrs. old. I met a young Jewish girl. She never ate lunch at school and this made me quite curious about her beliefs. I spent many nights at her home and the talk of religion was open and it was made known that her house was a Jewish house. No pork would ever be served. I knew that Jesus(as) was a Jew, in all respects. He lived as a Jew, taught Jewish scripture, and came as a confirmation of verses in the Old Testament. I continued to eat pork, but my mind always felt ill at ease with it.
We soon moved from the school were I met my Jewish friend. We moved from a rural area to the city and I began school in the public schools in the city. I had at that time stopped going to church. My parents never forced my brother and I to go, so it wasn't an issue. The inner conflicts about religion had began at that time to make me quite confused and although not to the point of doubting the existence to God, but the confusion was such that when I would hear someone begin a prayer with, " Dear Jesus," I would feel as if I had totally missed out on something. Hearing things such as, " Jesus loves you, " would create such inner turmoil for me, that I began to think that I didn't believe what I was supposed to believe and was therefore different, even undeserving of that love. Singing the song " Jesus loves me," was in it's self a point of mental exhaustion as I recalled that Jesus(as) said that he done only as God willed and required him to do. Did this credit of love then not go to God who cared to effort into my salvation in the first place? Why didn't we sing "God loves me?" If God was All Powerful and Almighty, didn't that mean that at some eventual point all credit for anything would go to God?
Some time during this stage of questioning what I was being taught took me to my grandfather. He was the preacher and he knew what was right; in my mind, he was the one to ask. I asked him, " Grandpa, is God one or three, or one with 2 more slightly below Him. What exactly should I know about this subject in order to have the right belief?" He answered, " Honey, we don't question such things. These are things that we take on faith. God said that He sent his son as a means of saving us from our sins. God's son is part of God, therefore we refer to one and both are glorified. The Bible says that there are three that bear record, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost. These three are one in spirit and so that means that they are one in total." My grandfather's answer only left me with a bigger thirst and more confusion as I remembered vividly the Jewish slogan " Hear Oh Israel, The Lord our God, The Lord is One." The Bible and all of the world calls the Jewish people God's chosen people, and they believe that God is one, alone in His authority and power. This was the only thing that remained a point of logic and ease of belief for me.
Within months of talking to my grandfather, I had to put everything about my belief in God to the side. The only person that I thought would know had only given me more confusion. In my mind it was me, I was the problem; maybe I was wicked and evil. Maybe God didn't love me as He loved everyone else because I sure didn't feel secure that I was going to be saved due to the fact that none of it made sense. I couldn't get to the step of just having faith in something and accepting it when it made no sensible connection in my mind. I only kept the belief that God existed, and the rest was undetermined or something to eventually learn and understand.
It was at this point in my life that I made most of my mistakes. Although I wouldn't change any of it, as it has made me who I am today, I can clearly see in hindsight that my ignorance wasn't a chosen type of ignorance. I had tried so hard to grasp something that I just couldn't see. I had asked about my doubts and asked about what was proper to believe only to find that nothing that was given to me satisfied my mind. Again, I was feeling as if there was something wrong with me, it had to be me, otherwise I wouldn't have felt so alone. Since I felt that I was evil because of my doubts, I began to do things against my taught belief system. What good did it do me to believe anything when it never made sense and I was evidently mad anyway?
Setting this next stage is necessary because I continue to feel that my mistakes are what has made me who I am today. Of course they were awful. Of course I am filled with regrets. However, if I had not made these mistakes then guidance would not have come to me. It wasn't the mistakes per se, but the growth of conscience that occurred as a result of them. At this stage in my life I had left the church. At the time, it seemed an awful thing to do, but today I know it was the best thing to do and I can elaborate on that a little later.
When we moved into town, we moved into an area that was mainly retired people. The only young adults were the ones that every mother warns you about. They were folks who drank heavily. They also done drugs on a daily basis. I was introduced to this lifestyle at the age of 13. In the summer after I turned 13, I had too much time and little guidance. Both of my parents worked so my whole day was unsupervised by any responsible adult. I had been a good girl and had always listened to my parents. My mother has always said that the only reason she had another child after I was born was because I was always obedient and good. My parents being gone all day at work and leaving me to take care of my brother was something that I had earned, I felt. My days consisted of cleaning the house for my mother, feeding my brother some lunch, and then going two houses down where the loud music was. I would always come back home in good time to get food starting to cook for my mother. Not long after this routine I began to be sucked into the life of these neighbors. I wanted to do what they done all day. They made it seem like so much fun. No responsibilities was the rule of each day. Accountability was never brought to mind. They had offered me beer and drugs and I drank and done drugs with them daily. It got to a point where I started sneaking out of my window at night on the weekends when they had parties.
The neighbor and his wife had separated and she moved to Indiana, back to her mother's house. For a few days after she had left, I stopped going. I then got a message that just because she was gone didn't mean that I wasn't welcome there. Of course I went. There were more men now. At this point I had only drank and done drugs, but having a drunk and drugged mind isn't good for a very young girl around a bunch of drunk men. I knew that everything I done was wrong, but it didn't seem to matter. Nothing made sense to me anyway. I justified things to my self in two ways; I was evil anyway because I didn't believe what I was taught, and secondly, God was forgiving and nothing I done really mattered. One night I was drunk, and high on drugs, and at 13, I became pregnant. This would break my parent's heart. The fear of seeing their faces in such utter disappointment lead to me running away from home one day during the fall of 1982. I left with the father of my baby who was 21. This was a time slumber for my good conscience. I had to put it to sleep otherwise guilt would incapacitate me. I was however a spoiled young girl. My parents gave me and trusted me in everything. I was accustomed to eating and getting new clothes when I wanted them. Both of my parents worked and money wasn't ever a concern for me. Leaving home was a battle within myself of sleeping and crying, being hungry, and feeling like I was the worst of God's creation. I had to steal clothes from clothes lines at night. I had to lie my way into people's homes. I had stopped drinking and doing drugs because I was pregnant, but my babies father continued to drink and do drugs. I began to see him in a different way and I would bring things up to him about morality. Since I wasn't drunk and my mind was sober, I disagreed with everything he did. He began to abuse me. He beat me and drug me by my hair up and down stairs. I began to wonder if this was what I had resigned myself to. Was this going to be how my life was always? For six weeks I was gone. During that six weeks I grew a bit. My parents were walking as zombies with no thought except that of my safety. Putting them through that is a huge regret. I went back home after that six weeks with a different vision in my life. I no longer thought that a life with no responsibilities was ideal. In that six weeks, my mind grew into that of an adult. I say that because much of my thought process is the same now. I was going to be a mother. I needed to grow-up and be an adult, even if my age reflected something different. As winter came and I reached the age of 14, I was mentally prepared to be a mother. I had broke any relationship with my baby's father after he physically and mentally abused me one last time that winter. After my daughter was born, I gave him a chance to be involved with her, but he wasn't interested in being a father or supporting a child and went his own way. My parents were there for me for support, both financially as well as emotionally. My first daughter will be 20 this year, and her natural father has still never cared to contact or support her.
I started school two weeks late due to recovering from childbirth at 14. I started in classes for students in special circumstances that only required me to be in school for 3 hours a day. Near the time of my 15th birthday in December, I started to feel as if I were taking and asking too much from my parents. They gave willingly and without complaint, but I felt like I was a huge financial burden on them. I wasn't even old enough to get a proper job. If I were to get a job, it would mean that I would need day care because both of my parents worked. I had resumed going to church for a short while only to find that nothing had changed really. It was important to me however, that my child learn to know about God early on.
I feel that it is important to include all of this because it all plays such a huge role in my acceptance to Islam. The summer after my 15th birthday I met my husband. Honestly, I had no idea about Islam, although I knew he was a Muslim. He never prayed or fasted, or practiced anything in the religion at that time. We married on my 16th birthday. My husband accepted my daughter as his own and she has only ever known him as Baba. The only thing he requested was that we not eat or bring pork in the house.This brought me again to my memories of my Jewish friend. I decided in the fall of 1985, just prior to marrying him, that I would no longer eat pork, nor feed it to my child or future children. I felt that certainly Jesus(as) didn't eat it, so there must be something to the rule. My conversion to Islam was surrounded by this law.
When I was 17, I started going to church again. We had a daughter together in February, a few months after my 17th birthday and it seems from looking at it now that each time after I would have a child I would be more and more pushed mentally to worship God in some way. The process of a a child growing within me, and celebrating the new born life felt like such a huge blessing to me. When I returned to church, the Easter meal was planned and I attended only to find that it was a meal of a baked ham. A huge disagreement started with me and some church members. I was offended and repulsed that someone would celebrate the newly risen Jesus with a meal that he, himself would never have touched. A meal that was totally representative of filth on an occasion supposedly representing a cleansing of sins. I got up and tried to convince the congregation that this was wrong. It had to be. Jesus(as) was a Jew, he would have never eaten this meat. Moreover he wouldn't have been in the company of those enjoying it in such a manner. Jesus(as) said that he didn't come to change the law, so why then is it changed in this church who follows him? My grandfather got up and opened the Bible and showed me a verse in the Bible that allegedly meant that all meat was cleansed. He then showed me a verse saying that it is not what goes into a persons mouth that makes them unclean, but what makes them unclean is what comes out and what resides in the heart. It didn't jive. I couldn't make sense of it. Regardless of what the other verses said, Jesus(as) still said that he didn't come to change the laws, but to confirm them. This was an inconsistency and I opted to follow what Jesus(as) said over the vision of some starving man on his roof hearing a voice telling him to go down and eat unclean food. Upon further investigation by myself, I found that the verse wherein Jesus(as) stated that it is not what goes into a man that makes him defiled was completely not about eating unclean meats, it was about following a law with no sense of anything except a habit with no thought of God and obedience to Him at all. I determined then, within myself, that the church had only hoped to deaden my conscience. They constantly encouraged me to feel as if I were forgiven, not to feel guilty about anything, and to be free and happy as God wanted me to be.
This next stage of my path towards Islam brought me to believing that I was a Jew. I was a Jew in my mind, but a Jew who accepted Jesus and his mission. I intended to follow the laws that Jesus followed; the laws that he taught as well. For 3 years I lived in this manner. I considered myself again as something different from anyone else. I had never believed that God literally had sons, or daughters for that matter. I never believed that Jesus(as) was part of God with the same authority. It was my ardent desire to emulate Jesus in my life in all respects. The question of the day was, " What Would Jesus Do?" I answered it daily with, " He wouldn't eat pork, he wouldn't praise himself, he wouldn't put up a tree on his birthday, he wouldn't do anything that praised anything or anyone other than God, The Creator of all. I dove into the Old Testament and found 637 laws or commandments that God gave the Jews. I grew bitter towards the church for not lifting these laws as they do the Ten Commandments. Why just ten when God gave so many more? Did God give these other laws in vain? Did God put Moses in a life of trials and difficulties from his very birth all for nothing? I started to see Christian beliefs as beliefs of convenience. If it suits them, they embrace it; if they don't like it and want that ham dinner on Easter, they cast aside what they don't like and teach one another to not feel guilty about it. After further investigation into Jewish laws, I came to the point of sacrificial rituals. These rituals were required of those Jews who committed sins unintentionally. In the Torah, God continually says that He places these sacrificial rituals as part of their lives so that they may learn gratitude and other things such as a conscience that guides them to continually try to do what is right and good. I began to study the definition of the word sacrifice in Biblical terms. It is basically a gesture wherein one gives up something that they love or value in order to show sincerity to God. A blood sacrifice is not always necessary and was rarely done for sins. When it was done however, it needed to be done correctly. Sometimes, if a person is poor, they need only give a bit of flour, or make a humble meal. The word "qorbanat" or sacrifice in Hebrew, means to make an offering to show sincerity of repentance. Most of the time, this would be for purposes of meat to eat. This was the only allowable way to eat meat; when it was/is sacrificed in a proper manner. This has nothing to do with forgiveness of sins. The best means to be forgiven according to the Torah is to pray for forgiveness and make gestures of obedience to God. any gesture of sacrifice, however, is not for sins done intentionally. Not like the church had taught me at all. These are the things that Jesus(as) taught and lived by. These things made sense to me.
After living for three years believing and thinking that if Jesus was a Jew, then I am too, I met the first practicing Muslims in my life. My father works for an oil company and the company had signed some contracts with Egypt. The company brought in some Egyptian men to train them in the supervisory level on how to instruct the assembly of submersible oil pumps. My father quickly called my husband and told him that there were some Arabs in our small town. He thought that this would please my husband because my husband was the only Arab around for a good 50 miles and he hadn't seen any Arabs or even spoken Arabic in several years. The response from my husband was unbridled enthusiasm. He was ecstatic, to say the least. The Egyptians were here for 3 months and during that time I saw what Islam in practice was. My husband had started to connect with his religion, although he didn't fully practice until I became a Muslim of that same year. The Egyptian brothers were excited to teach me about Islam. They thought that I was a Christian so they were making points of disagreement with Christian doctrine including the trinity which I never accepted anyway. I didn't really learn anything new except one thing; Muhammad was the final messenger of God.
At this point I was asking all kinds of questions to my husband. I found that he would never answer me enough to satisfy my curiosity though. I didn't find out until a few years later that my father had made an agreement with my husband before he would agree to our marriage. The agreement consisted of my husband never trying to change my religion. Never. My husband agreed with this stipulation in order to marry me and he didn't want to appear to be encouraging me to change my religion and disappoint my father. He didn't know that I was committed to finding out about Islam. He didn't know that I was searching to an extent that if I had to by-pass him, I would do it. I had to know who Muhammad was. The brothers from Egypt spoke of Muhammad being in the Bible. I was either going to find that they were right, or prove them wrong, somehow.
A few months had passed and my aunt (mother's sister) married one of the Egyptians who came to train with at my father's work place. Of course he had to go back to Egypt, but he kept in contact with her by phone and it was planned that he would return to the USA in one month. Everything went as planned and he was back in the states and he and my aunt had rented a house in Tulsa. Since they were an hour drive away, I didn't see them much. In September of 1990 I had another child. A baby girl. My aunt and her husband came to the hospital to see me. When she came in my room she had a scarf on her head, and another American woman was with her who also had a scarf on her head. I looked at my aunt and I asked her, " What are you wearing?" She answered, " I became a Muslim and so now I cover my hair." I was really shocked at her news. It was the first time I had ever seen a woman in hijab and although I was shocked initially, after I had studied the two of them closer, it was a thing to admire. I invited my aunt and her husband to our home while my husband and hers spoke in Arabic. I hated it when he done that because I couldn't understand a thing. I was constantly asking what he was saying.
When I came home from the hospital my aunt and her husband came for a visit. I was full of questions but felt a little shy to ask them. It seemed like every time I would ask my aunt something, her husband would answer. It annoyed me. Finally, I said, " Auntie, I am asking you, what made you change what you believe?" She answered, " Well, my husband began to explain what he believed and it made such perfect sense that I accepted it. It also makes him happy." I commented, "What exactly is it that you believe?" She answered, " That there is no god, other than God, Allah; and that Muhammad is the final messenger and prophet sent by God." I asked, "How do you know who Muhammad is?" "She said, "Well, I brought you these tapes, video cassettes, by a man named Ahmed Deedat. He completely explains in a better way than I can. The only thing is, is that he speaks with a heavy accent and I can't understand him very well." I asked her to go get the tapes and she brought them in, there were 3 of them. We put one in the VCR, it was titled Crucifixion or Crucifiction. I thought the title was catchy. We sat and watched it from beginning to end. It was a long process because I stopped the tape several times to write down references of what he was saying. My aunt said that I could keep the tapes until the next weekend. After they left I spent the rest of the evening copying the tapes. I must admit that it felt wicked to copy them, but I was so very driven to remember the tapes and what was said.

I spent the entire week watching the tapes and intensely caring for my new baby. She was placed on a heart and sleep apnea monitor because sometimes when she would sleep, she would briefly stop breathing. I was constantly worried for her and afraid that there may be a time that I would not wake up when the alarms sounded. I was watching those tapes and reading the Bible making sure that there were no misquotes, nothing taken out of context, and I found it all to be exactly as Ahmed Deedat had said. I was at a point in my life where I was thankful for the blessing of another child, I was thankful that she was with me, but I was afraid that she might not keep breathing and from my tiredness, I wouldn't be able to reach her to begin CPR. What stress that was I can never fully explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it. I remember vividly when she was 3 weeks old, I was downstairs with her feeding her and I was so terribly tired that the fear of not waking up and hearing the monitor alarms that I began to pray. I prayed so fervently and I wanted so much to know what God was hearing my prayer. In my exhaustion, carrying her about the living room, I walked towards the fireplace mantle. Sitting on the mantle I had a plaque of the Lord's Prayer. Instantly in my mind, the story in the Bible of how this prayer came about entered my mind. The followers/disciples and the multitudes came to hear Jesus(as) speaking on a mountain and he instructed them in supplication to God. Jesus said, when you pray (supplicate) do it in this manner: Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, they will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil; for thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.
I looked at the prayer after I said it. Something was missing. What was it? I read it again, looking at every word instead of saying it from memory. I then saw what was missing. There was no "in Jesus' name" at the end. This was a prayer that was directly to God from Jesus as he instructed his followers to do. This prayer was specifically directed to God alone. This is how Jesus prayed, and how he instructed to pray. I stood there for what seemed a very long time thinking about the instruction of the prayer and the absence of what the church demands as far as acceptance and proper closure for prayer; it was not there. It simply was not there. Jesus said over and over as he was grieved, "Why do you call me master, and do not what I say?" My mind was going, my tears were flowing; my mouth opened and uttered the words, " There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is His messenger."
My belief in Islam took me as a storm that was unexpected. I knew inside when I was reading those verses in the Bible that they were being repeated correctly. I feel now that I was hiding from submission for some reason beyond my conscious knowledge. But once I became conscious of it, there was no turning back. God was and is One; I had always, always felt that within myself. Now the hard part of learning about what I believed needed to run it's course. I had never read the Quran. This book that I felt was true revelation from God, I had never seen. I kept my belief as a secured secret inside of myself. Knowing that I had submitted, yet thinking that I was in some way falling deep into something that would require a change in my life that would effect everyone around me. My parents would be hurt, my husband...would he understand? I mean he wouldn't talk to me about religion at all.
I constantly went over the tapes, my notes, and read the Bible more than I had in my whole life for the next week. I made myself read the New Testament and began discounting everything that went against the Oneness of God in the Old Testament. This made the process easier to know what was placed there by someone uninspired, and someone truly inspired. God is consistent, perfect, and free from errors. His true prophets and messengers too would be consistent in a like manner. Since I had already considered my self to be a Jew of sorts, this was not a difficult task.
After a week or so had passed of my delving into the Bible extracting truth, and rejecting lies, I decided to tell my husband of my belief. He called from work at his lunch time. He asked how I was, and how the baby was doing. I commented that we were both fine and laying beside each other on the couch. I said, " Honey, I need to tell you something." I didn't even give him time to ask what it was, I just said it. " Honey, I am a Muslim and I believe in Allah as one, and in Muhammad and what was given to him, but I need a Quran." He answered, " This isn't some kind of thing someone just jumps into. This is something that requires thought and total conviction. We'll need to talk about this when I get home." I was stunned by his reply. He seemed to be discouraging me in what I believed in. I was intent on telling him that he had no say in the matter and that he couldn't change my belief for any amount of money, or any length of time discouraging me. I didn't learn until some years later that he broke down crying after he hung the phone, and he thanked Allah, and made an oath to practice what he knew was right. He asked God to forgive him and when he got home, he recited the athan in our baby's right ear, and the iqama in her left ear; something he had never done with any of the other 4 children.
He came home and was silent for a length of time. He then said, " Are certain that this is what you believe? There is no going back now if you say yes." I replied that I was totally sure and I felt like God had been guiding me to this time for my whole life. The next day he brought me a Quran and we went to Tulsa. On October 14, 1990, In front of my aunt, her husband, and my husband, I recited: AshaHadoo Ana La illaha illalah wa Ashadoo Ana Muhamadan Rasoolulah. I took a shower saying bismillah Alrahman Iraheem over my head three times, then over my right and left shoulders, respectively. I was a Muslim. Alhamdulilah.
I was dedicated to learn the salat in Arabic and in three days time I had perfect pronunciation. My only hurdle was hijab. I said for a month that I would never cover my hair. After a month I thought better when I had read the Quran and from that time on I have been Muhajibah. All praise is Allah's.
I think Allah for guiding me in the manner that He has. So many things make sense now. All of the what-ifs are clarified and understandable. If I hadn't had my first child so young, my parents would have never agreed to let me marry so very young. If my husband had practiced his religion while I was not a Muslim, this would have caused a lot of conflict. Although it was wrong of him, it happened, and for each thing there is a reason beyond our comprehension. If the church had succeeded in killing my conscience and guilt process as I mentioned earlier, I would have felt free to do anything with no fear of accountability. God gave us a conscience to guide us. We should feel bad when we do something wrong, it is a needed trait for true repentance. In order to be really humble, one has to remember their sins and forget their good deeds. Otherwise we will become prideful and boasting; a major sin.
I am also thankful that I knew Islam before I really knew Muslims. People still today, more than 1400 years after the advent of Islam can't differentiate between culture and Islam. Some combine them even opposing Islam altogether. Indeed, in some cases, culture is more important.
For any Christian reading this, I really recommend learning about how Jesus lived his life as a Jew. Jewish beliefs were taught and studied by Jesus at every point in his life. You cannot know about what Jesus was like by reading what the man who killed his followers wrote. There is an excellent website describing Jewish beliefs at: http://www.jewfaq.org/index.htm
You will be surprised to learn that there is little ritual difference between Islam and Judaism. Also, there is little difference between the two in major aspects in foundations of belief.
If you really want to know what Jesus would do, if you really want to know what Jesus taught and believed, learn about the Jewish beliefs. It is imperative to know that blood sacrifice is not only unnecessary, it was never done as it is explained by the church. It is so important to know that the laws of the Torah were viewed as a form of blessing and guidance and never the burden as it is implied as when it is explained to you that you are freed from the laws under the New Testament. If Jesus said that he didn't come to change the laws, then even if you accept the church doctrine of salvation, the laws remain valid. Read, Read, Read. Salvation is obtained by repentance; it was the manner of forgiveness before Jesus(as) and it remains the same now. Jesus prayed to God by falling prostrate on his face. If he were God, this would seem ridiculous. Don't limit God by saying that He can't forgive without blood, no where in the rituals as practiced by Jesus is this written or believed. God does as He pleases and cannot be contained in any form, whether you have a vision of it or not. Muslims have the same God of the Biblical prophets. Arab Christians refer to God as Allah. Allah is the Arabic word for God. Allah is not the "Muslim God."
Finally, may God be with you in your search for truth, or even just understanding. If you're sincerely seeking, God will never abandon you in disbelief. I hope that truth will flood over you, making plain all things, and truly making your cup overfill.
Some day in the future I will inshaAllah explain how I came to be a Shia, inshaAllah.
www.shiarightpath.com

Sister Um Ali

Written by Sister Um Ali
When I was 7 my cousin married a man from Saudi Arabia. He was muslim. My Christian family was not very practicing so I became very interested in the things he did and he answered many questions that i had. He went back to Saudi Arabia when I was 9. At age 10 my parents divorced and i went to live with my grandparents and started attending church regularly.
I had lots of questions because the things he said had stuck with me and i wanted to know why the Baptist church I now was attending believed and did things differently from him. But when I asked questions I was labeled a bad seed and trouble maker. I was told I did not have faith and I needed to pray more. When I was 16, I went to work at a fast food place and met a guy who was from Iraq. He was a refugee. He had been here in the USA for less than a year. We would discuss many things, especially religion. We married 4 months later. And he was adamant that I study and if I wanted to become Muslim it would be for the right reasons and not because of him. While he was a good Muslim, he was not close to all of the things that make you a true Shia. So I was kind of a Muslim in name only. A year after our marriage I had my son and a year later my daughter. I almost died giving birth to my daughter and when we returned home from the hospital I decided to wear hijab. I was 19 years old then. I lived in a small southern town and at the time was the only hijabi. Now, 7 years later, there are 4 sisters who wear hijab. I wanted to raise my daughter the right way and I never wanted her to question hijab. I often wonder if I had had two sons would I have worn hijab back then or not.. but alhamdulillah I am glad I was given the strength to wear it back then. I feel like I took shahada twice, once at age 17 and once at age 25. At 25, I was divorced and I took it very hard so i dived head first into studying my Islam more and to find out the things I did not know.. My ex-husband never commemorated Moharram. He is deeply opposed to it. So this year was the first time my kids and I could openly and freely practice our Islam. Sometimes I feel very ashamed at all the years I wasted as a Muslim. But inshallah I am learning now and teaching my kids and inshallah I will make up for lost time inshallah.
www.shiarightpath.com

Sister J.L. Ahen

Written by Sister J.L. Ahen
I was born in the Midwestern America to an upper middle class family. My mom was catholic, my dad Christian, although he didn't go to church. His family was Baptist. I went to a number of different churches / denominations growing up. Since I was 5, I can remember being confused about the concept of the trinity, and the fact that all you had to do was accept Jesus as your saviour seemed too easy. I couldn't understand how God could have a son, and sacrifice him for others' sins. This didn't effect my belief in God, I never denied his existence, rather, just didn't know how to reach him. I went through subsequent periods of being 'religious' (blindly accepting faith) and rebelling / questioning.

My father was an alcoholic. He was physically abusive to my mom, and verbally abusive to my brother and me. He was quite prejudiced - due to his affiliations with certain white supremecist groups... as well as freemasons... something I didn't know until much later in life. He was so prejudiced that he believed all Mexicans were lazy, and if you ate too much rice you'd get slanted eyes like Asians! He severly condemned blacks (as descendents of apes) and Arabs weren't much better. Alhamdulillah my mother divorced him and remarried, taking us as far away as possible from him. He still had visitation, and continued to drink until it ruined his marriage, career, and family ties. My step father was terrific, a father in the true sense of the word.

I was always at the top of my class in school, but was quite a trouble maker, clever enough not to get caught very often. I was never a part of any 'group' or clique in jr high or high school. I had friends from each group, even from other nationalities just to spite my father, but I was pretty independent. I went throught the different teen phases from sports, to rock and roll to punk rock (weird hair experiments) to anarchism to radio/tv/modelling... I, like many, thought that independence / freedom would make me happy. When I got a car and a job at 16, look out! I hate to remember all the grief I caused my poor mother.... it was fun for awhile, but I still wasn't happy. I rushed thru highschool and into university without thinking, just intent on finishing. That, I thought, would make me happy. All the time, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking: Where does it end? There has to be more to life than this. My next question when I found myself unhappy was always, then what?

When you grow up in a society that doesn't place much emphasis on religion, you look for guidance from other sources, which may be the reason so many people are heading down the wrong path. Divorce, drug / alcohol use, the break down of the family unit, materialism, etc.. are 'normal' or common in that society. Unfortuanately, sports heroes and musicians are not necessarily good role models. My mother was a good influence on me, but I was quite rebellious and very head strong. I had to find out for myself.

The Rude Awakening......

When I was 17 I took an honors course in comparative relgion. It really got me thinking. I started my 'investigation' into different relgions. I tried Christianity again, to no avail. Judaism from the beginning didn't appeal to me. I delved into Atheism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Shintoism.... Wicca... you name it. I started to meet people of different religions and have discussions with them. I could see some good in most of them, but not enough to convince me. I was an avid reader and remembered something I had read years before (I even used to read encyclopedias and dictionaries... ) about Saudi Arabia... about pork and alcohol being forbidden and there being a Prophet called Mohammed.... like many at the time, I erroneously believed that muslims worshipped Mohammed, in the same way Christians believed Jesus is the son of God (astaghfirallah).

My first encounter with Islam in a course wasn't too convincing. They talked a lot about poetry: sufism, the pillars of faith, the Prophet Mohammed and very little about the history of Islam. Somewhere about this time I started to meet muslims/Arabs. I thought the women were oppressed and never dreamed I'd ever become muslim. Not me, I'd never be fooled by 'the false Prophet'.... (God forgive me) Subhannallah, once I started reading about Islam, I couldn't stop. It was like a hunger, that only more knowledge could satisfy. I started with a translation of the Holy Quran. I was mezmerized by the Arabic recitation, even though I didn't understand it. The pillars of faith sounded noble and logical.No trinity! One God, pure and simple. Islam was a comprehensive religion, covering all aspects of life. I marvelled at the revelation of the Quran to the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh). I was amazed at how I could have spent 18 years learning, and yet feel that I knew nothing. I felt ashamed at my ignorance. All these years, I had been wrong. How could that be? Later it would become obvious why we were never taught about the true Islam. I knew it was only a matter of time before I converted, but I was still stubborn then, and wanted to be sure it wasn't just another phase I was going through. In my heart, I was muslim, but needed more conviction before openly professing it. It was a big leap that I was going to take. I was aware of the Shia since the revolution had been in full swing for some time now, this was late 1980s. Ofcourse I thought they were the bad guys. I thought the sunni were right, until I got into reading about the history of Islam. I wondered what happened after the Prophet died.... and when I read about bani Saqeefa, I thought, this is not democratic! This arose my suspicion, and further investigation. I bought or borrowed any books I could find. One of the arab guys from the university (who later became my DH ) took me to meet some of the other guys' wives, who were mostly shia. They were a great help to me. They answered my questions and accepted me into their study circle. (May Allah reward their efforts) My life changed forever, alhamdulillah. I became muslim, got married, and started covering, praying, fasting... My husband provided me with every opportunity to learn, taking me to conferences and arranging for me to talk/discuss with many imams/ sheikhs / sayyids. With their help (rakabt safinat ahlul bayt ) I became a follower of the ahlul bayt .

I was mentally at peace and satisfied with my decision. However, then I had my parents to deal with. My mom was a bit apprehensive at first, but supported my decision. I lost lots of 'friends' and some family members. My father was difficult and made my husband and I miserable until we came here. However, he did quit drinking and I have forgiven him for what he did. We now have a good relationship. He has accepted my conversion and my husband and children. Although I felt alienated from my family and friends, Allah has blessed me with good muslim sisters as friends ever since.

No regrets......

I lived in the US as a muslim for over 2 years before coming here. I've been in the Gulf for 13 years. When I go back 'home', it is a serious culture shock for me. I look at things much differently now. I see the value of Islam, what it has given me, like salvation, peace, true freedom, and dignity. Before, everything was grey area.... now it's black and white. Islam became the white, the light of my life. For those of you born to muslim families, you don't know what a gift you have been given for free. Don't take it for granted. It is the most precious thing you can ever imagine to possess! I have been truly blessed and hope and pray that Allah (swt) Lord of the worlds, will accept my good deeds and forgive my sins, and help me to guide as many as possible to the religion of Islam, through the teachings of the Holy Quran, the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) and the infallible ahlul bayt. Allahu Akbar, alhamdullillahi rub al alimeen! Alla homa sulli ala Mohammed wa ahli Mohamed!
AlMujtaba Islamic Network

Brother Ali Husayn al-Mahdi

Written by Brother Ali Husayn al-Mahdi
My real name is Greg Sowden. I converted to Islam from the Roman Catholic church on December 15, 2001 (Ramadan 29, 1422). I have chosen the Muslim name Ali Husayn al-Mahdi. I'm 19 years old. My birthday is July 26, 1985. I would like to become a high school history teacher. I would also like to study Islam one day at the Hawzah in Qom. I want to travel as well.

I go to Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo, Ontario, Canada. My family lives between Port Dover and Simcoe in Ontario, Canada on a 400-acre poultry/beef cattle farm. Port Dover is on Lake Erie. I'm interested in geography (countries), world history, world events (especially in Palestine, Iraq, Iran, Lebanon, and the entire Islamic world) and (Shia) Islam.
I bear witness that there is no God worthy of worship but Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful and that Mohammad is His final Prophet and Messenger and Ali ibn Abu Talib is his rightful successor until the Day of Judgement!
I am a convert to Islam! Alhamdolellah!
I will tell you about my life....
My family is Roman Catholic. Before I became Muslim I went to church every week and never questioned my beliefs. I was a devout Catholic and whenever I heard someone say something wrong about Catholicism I would try to prove them wrong. My uncle is Protestant and he and I would often talk about which religion was right. My mum says that I am not the "right religion" anymore. She keeps telling me I was happy with my religion before, so, she wonders, why did I change? I became a Muslim because I found out about Islam and became very interested. I became convinced that al-Islam is the true faith sent down by God. By learning more and more everyday about my faith I have "fell in love" with Islam.
My e-friend from Kuwait, who I met from www.PenPal.net in 2000 taught me about Islam. I knew very little about Islam before before he began to teach me, so I guess he "opened my eyes" to Islam: the truth!
I never thought about converting to Islam because I thought I was happy being Catholic. But then I started taking a course at high school called "World Religions" and in my textbook it had some information about Jesus (PBUH) in Islam. So, I went home and looked this topic up on the Internet. The information I found sounded convinced me that what Islam said was the truth. The arguments were good. And there was proof of it in the Bible! I found information about the miracles of Islam and those in the Quran. I read a few more articles about Islam and they "enlightened" me.
So I emailed my Kuwaiti friend and told him about my findings. I told him that "maybe I should convert!" I didn't plan on doing it soon. I thought I would convert after I turned 18 because I couldn't get to a masjid. I told my Kuwaiti friend this and he said I could say the Shahadah to him. So on December 15, 2001 (Ramadan 29, 1422) I said the Shahadah to him over MSN Messenger (I have said it to some other Muslim friends since then as well). By saying those wonderful words I became a Muslim! Alhamdolellah! All Praise be to Allah!
My other e-friend sent me a Qur'an in the mail in January 2002, and it is the most beautiful book I have ever read. I have to keep it hidden because my brother wants to burn it!
I became Muslim because the religion makes so much more sense than Christianity. The Trinity makes absolutely no sense. 1+1+1 does not equal 1! Nabi Mohammad (PBUH) is mentioned in the Bible, and the arguments refuting Christian teachings were so true. The Quran has so many miracles in it, and it obviously was written by Allah!
My family is against my conversion. But they do not know what Islam is. I have tried to teach them but they do not care and criticize me! Before I left for university my mum made me go to church every week. I wanted to go to a Masjid, but I lived in in a small town where there is no masjid near me and I couldn't drive to the city to go to one. Alhamdolellah, I can now go to a masjid.
On Wednesday, September 10, 2003, I went to the masjid for the first time, Alhamdolellah! I went with Brother Hasnein (who I know from ShiaChat). He and I are going to university in Waterloo, Ontario. He goes to University of Waterloo, and I go to Wilfrid Laurier University; which are about a 15 minute walk apart. We went for the Birthday of Imam Ali (AS). We took the bus there and we kind of got lost walking down the street because the masjid is in the middle of a residential area. Then we saw a woman in hijab going into the masjid and so we went in. We got there late but we caught most of the Khutbah, which was in English. I didn't understand some of the Arabic used at the masjid but I caught a few phrases. After that, we did Maghrib and Isha' prayers. That was the first time I have prayed with other Muslims, and it was a wonderful experience. Alhamdolellah! After that Hasnein introduced me to a few people, and we talked for a few minutes. And we had ice cream and chocolate bars. Then it was time to back to university. Sheikh Saleem drove Hasnein and I home and showed us the Halal/Muslim places in town. Since then I have gone to every masjid event that I can go. I thank Allah (SWT) that my masjid has accepted me as a member of their community, and has done so much to help me.
Hopefully my mum does not find out about this because I would be in deep trouble. I talked to her on the phone and she said that that she phoned earlier and I wasn't in. I told her that I went out with some friends (not a lie, Alhamdolellah. because I did go out with friends). She didn't believe me because I am a "stay at home" type of person. Alhamdolellah!
Since I have become a Muslim, I have made many good Muslim e-friends. They are there for me when I have questions and when I need prayers.
I am proud that I have found the true path - Shia Islam. I know that following the AhlulBayt (AS) of the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) is what Allah wants all of us to do.
Wa Salam!
Ali

AlMujtaba Islamic Network

Brother Yahya Dhulfiqar Abdus-Salaam

Written by Brother Yahya Dhulfiqar Abdus-Salaam
Asalaamu Alaikum W/r W/b,
My name is Brother Yahya Abdus-Salaam, I am a 17 year old revert to Islam who has chosen to personally submit to the Jafar'i Madhab of Islam.

I grew up as the youngest of two boys raised by my single parent Filipina Mother, I was given a very strong and well disciplined upbringing by her and she also raised both me and my brother to have the foundations of faith in our hearts. Being a Filipina from the capital city of Manila, she was of the Roman Catholic denomination of Christianity (he ancestors were taken from Islam into Christianity by the Sword of the Spanish Inquisitors) and so I too was raised as a Roman Catholic. From the age of 9-13, I stopped attending any religious gatherings what so ever, but I always remained interested in all aspects of theology, I read of Hindu, Ancient Egyptian and Buddhist legends as a child and the more I read, the more I became interested.
Little was I aware of it at the time, but I was exposed to Islam for much of my life, my father (whom I`d see for 2 weeks a year) worked in Indonesia for 12 years of my life, before moving to Kuwait then Egypt, each of which I have visited. However I was not aware of Islam to a very high extent, in fact my ignorance was to such an extent that before going into High School, I thought the Hijab was a Hindu sub-continental practice!!
At the age of 13, I went through a difficult experience, I started to let stress from school get to me and to help cope with these difficulties, I became a "born again" Catholic and I took my first communion at the late age of 13 along with kids of 9 years old etc. I became a firm believer of the Christian doctrine and believed at that time with all my heart that Christ was the Son of God (Astagfirullah), I could never accept he was God himself.
When I was 14 going on 15, I visited Egypt for the second time and decided to pay a visit to the world's oldest University in existance- The Al-Azhar Theological School of the Sunni Madhabs, it was a life-changing experience for I was given my first translation of the Holy Qur'an.
I returned to the UK, with the copy of the Holy Qur'an Translation by Pickthall, and I continued my studies of religion etc at home. I decided that at that time after completing High School, I was going to train to become a Minister outwith the Catholic Church because I couldn't agree with either the divinity of the Pope nor with the Divinity of Christ or pact of celibacy anymore. I was drawn to the various denominations outwith Catholicism but couldn't agree with the divinity of Christ anymore so I left the faith of Christianity and became an Agnostic.
I continued my studies of religion and was drawn to the following faiths:
Judaism (Kabballah)- Was put off by the Racial Superiority teachings within the Jewish Faith.
Jehovah's Witnesses- Seemed to be very cult-like and I could never fully take it seriously.
Bahai'ism- I realised it was a very bad attempt at uniting all the various faith's founders/prophets despite the fact all of them contradicted each other.
Then came Islam, I had forgotten about Islam for a while, It seemed as if It was the only faith I never taken the time to study, and Alhamdulillah- I'm glad I had chosen to study it at this time, if it had been during my Christian believing child days, I may have rejected it. Islam was everything I wanted Christianity to be and I could accept everything so easily. I had many issues over how I'd break the news to my family, but I went ahead and read more about the religion for a complete year, I was damned not going to be joining a religion through ignorance only to leave it one year later.
Alhamdulillah after one year of reading, I decided I was definitely to become a Muslim so at the age of late 15, I recited Shahada to myself without any witnesses at first. I openly told my family after 3 months but since I knew more about religion in general as well as Christianity I had the ability to refute whatever lies they had to throw at me.
I became a Shaf'i Sunni Muslim, and at first I honestly believed that I wouldn't go near Shia Islam with a barge pole, I saw them as Catholics of Islam, and thought of Imamate to be Islamic Popery. It was just my irrationaly hatred for the Catholic Church that had allowed my emotions to take over, also I must admit for someone who has just come into Islam after researching concepts on the internet (often Salafi), We are often propelled into a drastic change where we are turned into Over zealous Monotheists who due to insecurity of their Monotheism turn to accusing many practices of Shirk (Associating partners with Allah) or we accuse them of being Bidah (Innovations).
I started going to my local Mosque, I learnt Islam under the Sheikh of the Mosque and I learnt to love the companions of the Prophet, but most of all I learnt the strength of love for Allah (SWT) which is uncomparable and I learnt to love the Prophet Muhammad Ibn Abdullah (SAW) as well as his relatives.
After a year of sharing this deep love for Allah (SWT), Muhammad (SAW) and his companions(ra), I began to have a stronger Aqeedah and Iman, I was no longer insecure- so at the age of 17, I decided I would approach the path of learning about all Sects of Islam because they are all my Brothers (as in all those Islamic Divisions recognised as Muslims).
After reading about the Shia beliefs and why they hold such beliefs, I realised that if we as Muslims love Allah (SWT) as much as we claim we do, then we should love the mercy for all mankind which he sent to us (Muhammad SAW) and if we love his Final Messenger then we should listen to what he wanted us to do and we should love those whom he loved dearest. It all began to make sense, We should love the Ahlul Bayt(as) of the Prophet (SAW). I read the story of Ghadeer and I wept, I realised that so many people had gone astray from the Prophet's wishes and that we had turned our backs on a key principle of Islam which in my opinion was Justice.
Where was the justice in sitting back whilst Ali(as) was kept away from his divine right as Imam of the Muslims?
Where was this Justice when Fatima az-Zahra(as) was humiliated and treated cruely by the first two "Caliphs" of Islam?
Where was this Justice when Imam Hassan(as), the grandson of the Prophet(SAW) was poisoned?
Where was this Justice when Imam Husayn(as) and his family members were slaughtered on the plains of Karbala, including his sixth month old baby son whilst defending and saving Islam from a Tyrant Ruler who was the epiphany of Drunkedness?
The Shia teachings all started to make sense, and I could relate to the opression of the Innocent, Pure Ahlul Bayt of the Prophet(as), I read books like Peshawar Nights and Nahj ul-Balagha and it all made sense, I could see, the veil was lifted completely from my eyes instead of just half way.
Ashadu anna ilaha ilAllah, Wa Ashadu anna Muhammadar Rasoolallah.
Allahoma Sali Ala Muhammad wa alla ali Muhammad,
Jazak'Allah Khair and Allah Hafiz,
Bro Yahya Dhulfiqar Abdus-Salaam.

www.shiarightpath.com

Why Did They Choose Islam As Their Religion?

By discarding the fog of psychological perversion and propaganda, subversive disinformation, man can unbiassedly examine social theories like capitalism, communism, existentialism, Judaism, Christianity, paganism, Buddhism, Brahmanism, atheism and similar thoughts and concepts.
To get a better insight into Islam he can delve into studying from its first sources; the Qur'an and the prophet's traditions, in addition there are works by Muslim intellectuals, philosophers and thinkers.
Accomplishing this, he is in a position to realize the greatness of Islam as the necessary faith that man should adhere to.
Throughout history there are innumerable instances of great and imminent men and women who attained this truth, understood the greatness of Islam and discovered that it is their responsibility in life and the sole path leading to happiness, and so they embraced it. Since they are respected personalities in our age, let's look at what they say about their conversion:
The renowned French professor and thinker Roger Garoudi who was a Justifyist tells us in a few lines of the greatness of Islam and the secret behind the transformation in his life:
"Only in following Islam can the world find a way out of its crisis. Islam holds the key to reform. It has two important attributes: sublimation and the spirit of the group."
"The Qur'an teaches us to find in any occurrence, and in everything a sign of Allah and a symbol of a higher existence moving us, nature and society. The main goal of religion is the achievement of harmony and unity which issues from Allah and returns to Him. His will to achieve the Will of Allah is what grants man his humanity.
"The West is now much in need of Islam more than at any other time. Islam can give life a meaning and history a sense. It can alter the West's method of separating science from wisdom, thinking from the means, and thinking from the results. Islam never erects a wall between science and faith. On the contrary, it ties them together as being an inseparable whole...
"Islam calls man to search and seek the final end and his fate. In our western societies, split apart by individuality, Islam can revive the hope in our world which is heading toward suicide."
Professor Haroon Mustapha Lion, the general secretary of the World Association of the Science of the Origin of Languages, Sciences and Fine Arts, and the editor-in-chief of the London-based scientific magazine "Philomat", says:
"One of the traits of Islam is that it is based on mental aptitude. It does not call its followers to kill their intellectual abilities. Its position regarding thought runs counter to other doctrines which coerce their followers to blindly believing in ideologies and certain opinions."
Marshila Michelangelo, an Italian lady who embraced Islam says:
"I have found intellect and logic in Islam. I cam to find the Muslims believing in Allah and His Apostle who is a human being like them, but among them. He was the one chosen to convey the message of faith to mankind, and recite to them Allah's Book which is their life's constitution, and which manages their affairs so that they can live plainly and happily, cooperating with one another, without false appearances."
Haj Dr. Abdul-Karim Satio, a Japanese professor of economics who teaches in one of the Japanese universities declared:
"In Islam the proofs of the existence of Allah are plain and clear and are taken from the depths of life. This indicates the truth. Allah is the truth. This truth, the target of the whole of mankind, is with the Muslims. If it is made available, all mankind will enter the religion of Allah in groups."
Dr. Grenier, a French national who worked for the French Council of Representatives, said:
"I have studied all the Qur'anic verses in relations to medical, health and natural sciences which I knew from childhood very well. I have found that these verses are perfection in harmony with our modern knowledge. Because I became sure that Muhammad had conveyed the clear truth more than 1,000 years ago, before being taught by any human being, I contentedly embraced Islam. Should any artist or any scientist study closely the Qur'anic verses in comparison to what he himself has learned, as I had done, he would embrace Islam if he is sane and unbiased."
Alfonse Etienne Denier (1861-1929), the artist who embraced Islam and chose the Islamic name of Nasiruddin, said:
"The religion of Allah is one. Islam came to corroborate the previous divine messages and correct the distortions which had befallen them at the hands of the priests. The Holy Qur'an is now the only divine book which has not been distorted and will never be distorted or tampered with. Allah has promised to keep it intact as He is its guardian."
Leopold Weiss (Muhammad Asad) the well-known Austrian writer-journalist says:
"Today I cannot say what aspects of Islam appealed to me more than others. Islam is, as appears to me, a perfect construction. All its parts are made to complete each other and to connect with each other. There is nothing untoward in it. There is no fault in any part of it. The result is inevitably a balanced, compact whole. It is perhaps this feeling that all the teachings and religious duties are perfectly positioned which is the strongest attraction as I perceive it."
Lord Douglas Hamilton, an English millionaire, who embraced Islam and changed his name to Adil Hamilton, said:
"Islam is the one powerful religion which can stand in the way of the waves of atheism and laxity under which the present industrial communities are suffering. Islam attracts many university graduates, particularly those who are burdened and weary of ideological wrangling."
Marmaduke Pickthall (1836-1936), the renowned Englishman of letters, who embraced Islam and called himself Muhammad, and whose translation of the meanings of the Qur'an is highly esteemed, said:
"Never is there a worldly grace every enjoyed by man greater than that of being happy and content after being guided to Islam by Allah: to see, by the light of Islam, the truths of the world and the Hereafter and to distinguish between right and wrong and the path of happiness from that of misery. I prostrate myself gratefully to Allah, for this great grace He endowed me with, which flooded my being with true happiness and made me stand in the shade of this great fruitful tree which is the tree of Islamic brotherhood and family."

Imam reza network

“He Brings Them Out of The Darkness Into The Light” (The Holy Qur’an 2-257)

Written by Brother Ali Ja’afary Stump
The story of a convert.
“In the Name of ALLAH, the Beneficent, the Merciful”
The Darkness:
The aeroplane had not yet left the ground and I felt a pounding in my chest, I have flown on planes many times, so I knew it was not fear of flying. I had just finished visiting some people that I knew and I was rather full of anxiousness, looking forward to going home after a rather strange, bizarre and uncomfortable visit. I told myself the things that I had seen on this trip I must put behind me and forget. When I finally got to my seat my heart was overcome with grief, a kind of grief that I had never experienced before. I was lucky I was seated alone so I took a blanket, covered myself, laid down and cried bitterly and painfully for the entire 5 hour flight home. Little did I know that flight home would forever change my existence. The Prophet Muhammad (saww) said: “ALLAH the Almighty loves any grieving heart”. (Al-Seyed Nasih al-Din/ Mishkat ul-Anwar fi Ghurar il-Akhbar 1646.)

Many months before this incident, I had been reflecting very deeply about existence, creation, life, death, good and evil. I realised during this visit that these people whom I knew for many years, where somehow different to me and I sensed that I seemed somehow different to them. My heart and soul was very far from them, I had very little to say to them and did not find myself comfortable around them. I changed my flight to leave there one and a half weeks earlier than scheduled, I could no longer support being around these people. I found myself distant; upon my return I found my apartment a sort of prison chamber, however, when I went out to breathe, the society around me disappointed and angered me, yet I had lived in this city all my life. I suddenly felt deep regret about my life, my conduct, my behaviour, my goals, my morality and my entire existence up to that point. I did not feel like someone in a depression, no this was much more spiritual and much more repentant, and not just a case of feeling sorry for myself. “And HE is it WHO accepts repentance from HIS servants and pardons the evil deeds and HE knows what you do”. (The Holy Qur’an 42 Al-Shura-25)

Many times I had looked for answers to my questions by different sources and every time I searched with what the Occidental social system had to offer. I found myself in a deeper state of confusion and destitution. Their answers always had the same old themes to their so called solutions: “HAVE FUN!” and in order to have what they call fun, you need a lot of material things and money. In order to get more material and money, you must then work much harder and longer. They keep pushing their materialistic illusions and dreams to the population, through their 24 hour media (television, magazines, radio, music, etc…), to the point that man ends up working himself away in useless jobs (except for making the system richer), he soon starts to loose touch with himself to the point he turns to intoxicants to relieve his ever growing stress. While his debt grows, he turns to crime in order to try and gain more money and then he becomes a social problem. The authorities then take full advantage of this poor deprived ignorant worker and blame him for all the problems of their heartless system. And if you dare to say to them before all this happens, “perhaps I can find my answers from God?” They answer you “Perhaps we can recommend a very good doctor for you”. “Evil is that for which they have sold their souls-that they should deny what ALLAH has revealed, out of envy that ALLAH should send down of HIS grace on whomsoever of his servants HE pleases; so they have made themselves deserving of wrath upon wrath, and there is a disgraceful punishment for the unbelievers”. (The Holy Qur’an 2 Al-Baqarah 90)

But let’s not drift away from the subject at hand. Once I finally realised that the social system could not, in any way attend and cater to my needs, I decided to find another path. At this point I had now realised my heart was cold, hard and empty, my life no longer had any reason or essence. I woke up like an animal, I spent my day like an animal and I ended my days like an animal. “Surely the vilest of animals, in ALLAH’s sight, are the deaf, the dumb, who do not understand”. (The Holy Qur’an 8 Al-Anfal 22).

The Distant Dawn:

In order to find something to give me life again, I decided to turn towards God and religion. I studied some different religions; the first was to go back to my origins Christianity. I always deep down believed in a God, but the Christian point of view for me was limited, closed and very hard to accept. I recalled that whenever I questioned Christian authorities about certain issues, they could never give me an adequate answer. It seemed their policy was “take what we give you and be quiet”. My heart cracked even more when I attempted to go to a religious gathering, given by a certain Christian group. I felt like I was attending a social club, where each person was put into his or her social class. The orator spoke of nothing of true importance, his speech lacked any traits of morality and was little more then a sing along after reading verses with no apparent objective, later he told us how after many years of material success, it was then, perhaps, a good time for people to think of marriage. “And what should we do in the meantime and can we receive support from this community if we were ready to be married and were not materially successful?” I asked. The whole congregation gave me a cold stare as if my questioning the speaker was a sin. The worst was when I overheard some people there, planning their activities for after the religious gathering, I cannot even repeat the things I heard, said by them, they who claimed to be religious people. I guess they practiced the so-called “HAVE FUN!” policy constantly fed to us by every means possible. At that point I got up and I left very disappointed, I thought surely Christianity would be far from the material traps of our Occidental society. I was wrong. “And be not like those who came forth from their homes in great exultation and to be seen of men, and (who) turn away from the way of ALLAH, and ALLAH comprehends what they do”. (The holy Qur’an 8 Al-Anfal 47)

To be honest I always got very confused when God was described in forms, with body parts, with partners, in groups, as objects or as human. My idea of god at that time was much greater than any of the religions I explored. I could not understand why they insisted to put God in a certain image and then tear down that image in order to fit their groups’ (religious movements) desires. As if they, in some hidden way, wanted to have some sort of control over God (may ALLAH Azz wa Jall forbid such blasphemous ways of thinking), much like the idolaters of ancient times. Truly I only found ignorance in their calling for somehow they lacked any sense of truth in what they preached. But I don’t want to go far from the subject at hand. I needed to find The One Creator and the Only Originator above all existence; I had not yet discovered Islam. “And most of them do not follow (anything) but conjecture; surely conjecture will not avail aught against the truth; surely ALLAH is cognizant of what they do”. (The Holy Qur’an 10 Yunus 36)

Then one day I read: “La ilaha illa Llah” (There is no god but ALLAH) on a short booklet from Iran, that a man showed me, who said he was going to become a Muslim in order to get married to a certain lady. My interest drifted away quickly from his story, for the words I had just read on the booklet are the words I longed for so long to hear. The sight of such miraculous words took me away far from where I was. I politely asked him to borrow the booklet and quickly went home. When I arrived, I pulled the booklet out of my back-pack and began to read it. Never had I read such words, I only imagined such great things or seen them in dreams, I was overwhelmed with joy and happiness and at the same time full of repentance and regret not to have found such truth before. I needed to know more so the next day, I returned to the man who lent me the booklet, I asked him if he had any other literature on Islam or knew anyone who did. He knew very little about the subject, however, he did lend me another booklet and a translation of the Holy Qur’an. I decided to read them carefully and to try to find answers to my questions, a new day was dawning. “He said: O my lord! Expand my breast for me”. (The Holy Qur’an 20 Ta-Ha 25)

The Purification of my Heart

I closed myself in my apartment and began to read it, or did I? I felt more like I was being absorbed into the miraculous sentences written within the pages. I kept telling myself this was for sure not written by any man. My true understanding of the Holy Qur’an at that time was very limited, but believe me my brothers and sisters, I, at that very second testified to my most inner self that I was holding in my hands the Greatest Miracle to ever come down to mankind. My heart was beating rapidly, the more I read the more I fell into a deep state of repentance. As I read more I kept asking myself “What have you been doing with yourself all of this time?” I wasted 33 years of my life, living with no heart, ignorantly, arrogantly, in painful lies, amongst the non-merciful, wasting my time and life in idle activities, living only for the temporary joys of this transitory life. I felt so much remorse, regret, disgrace and pain. Besides this I felt so incredibly overwhelmed that despite all the wrong I had done ALLAH (swt) in all His Mercy and Compassion gave me the chance to discover the truth and purity of ALLAH’s chosen religion Islam. For 2 days and nights I stayed in my apartment reading the Holy Qur’an, reflecting, repenting and crying. “Yet surely your Lord, with respect to those who do an evil in ignorance, then turn after that and make amends, most surely your Lord after that is Forgiving and Merciful”. (The Holy Qur’an 16 An-Nahl 119)

I cannot put into words or in feelings the incredible effect and overwhelming impact that the discovery of Islam had and still has on me. Every second of my life ever since that day I am so thankful to ALLAH (swt) for opening my heart to this Miracle. The first thing I did I searched to find how I could take the pledge (shahadatayn) of faith and to begin my life. I found a Sheikh that I could easily go and visit and open my heart completely to ALLAH, to beg forgiveness, to re-discover life and Insha’ALLAH take the Straight Path. After a very interesting discourse I made the pledge with the words: “Ashhadu an la ilaha illa-Llah, wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan Rasulu-Llah”. It was only a week or so before the Holy month of Ramadan; even though I did not have knowledge of all the facets of fasting (physically, emotionally, spiritually, religiously, etc…) I did decide to fast this most privileged month and the first experience of fasting was a great one. I also began to purchase books in order to learn more and to gain closeness to ALLAH Azz wa Jall. My life forever changed at that moment I began to sleep better, I began to notice and see things I had never understood before. I began my Jihad against my €˜self’, I repented so much and I realised the inner battle will be one that will never end, this new inner conscious and code of morality, not only imprinted in my mind, but in my heart and soul as well. Imam Ali (a-s) said: “A man’s personality is imperfect before he learns the religious questions, manages the affairs of his livelihood moderately, tolerates the misfortunes that befall him and finds sweet the bitterness of friends”. (Tuhaf Al-Uquul chapt Imam Ali (a-s) hadith # 148)

Into the Light of Islam

The deep regret and repentance I felt traveled with me at all times, along with the new light of hope. Until this day I ask myself WHY? Why did ALLAH Azz wa Jall open my heart, why did he fill me with so much love, never did I ever do anything to ever deserve one tiny little small microscopic blessing or mercy. But ALLAH (swt) gave me the greatest and biggest blessing man can ever possibly want and need. ALLAH opened my heart to ISLAM in HIS Enormous and never ending Generosity, HE gave me the opportunity to strive in his way and possibly enter paradise to live in felicity and blissful happiness for all eternity. And every day that I raise from my bed I thank ALLAH (swt) for this amazing chance; I reflect and thank ALLAH (swt) for this is possibly my last day in this life. And I go to sleep at night thanking ALLAH (swt), reflecting and knowing that the Angel of death may take me tonight. Truly ALLAH (swt) saved me from the darkest possible place on earth, and HE filled me with the greatest of lights, the Light of truth, the Light of ISLAM. Glory to ALLAH (swt) THE MOST HIGH, THE MOST MERCIFUL. I became very interested in studying Islam in a deeper way, I tried to get knowledge were I could, I began to buy many books on many different Islamic subjects. Its now been about 4 years since I’ve embraced Islam, I now have over 400 books about Islam in my home, until now I’ve read over 130 books on different Islamic issues (Alhamdulillah wa Shukranlillah), I read constantly and study what I read, I try to practise what I learn. I dedicate all the free time I get in order to learn more, not out of obligation, but out of pure and deep love for ALLAH (swt). I’ve chosen to follow the school of the Ahlul-Bayt (a-s), and when I embraced Islam with all of its glory, I embraced it as a Shia. For Shi’ism was the only logical way to the True Islam. I now hope Insha’ALLAH to have an opportunity to advance and to go to study in the Hawza and to gain even more closeness to my most beloved Lord ALLAH Azz wa Jall, I truly pray that this opportunity will come to me Insha’ALLAH. “Therefore remember ME, I will remember you, and be thankful to ME, and do not be ungrateful to ME”. (The Holy Qur’an 1 Al-Baqarah 152)

My Teacher:

I am also constantly blessed by ALLAH (swt) in so many different ways. One week after converting to Islam, I decided that it would be very important to learn Arabic in order to understand many of the deeper meanings of the Holy Qur’an and the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (saww) and his Ahlul-Bayt (a-s). With the guidance of ALLAH (swt) I obtained the name and phone number of a scholar, I contacted him and met him at his office. He was very kind and has been extremely patient with me. He taught me the Arabic alphabet then to read, write and speak. May ALLAH (swt) bless him and his family with the best of blessings both in this life and for the hereafter. He also showed me the Salat (prayer) and many other Islamic Issues; he became a best friend, a trustworthy companion and the very best of brothers. He always took the best care of me since the beginning. May ALLAH Azz wa Jall be pleased with him. “They shall have the abode of peace with their Lord, and He is their guardian because of what they did”. (The Holy Qur’an 6 Al-An’am127) “Surely (as for) those who believe and do good deeds for them will ALLAH bring about love”. (The Holy Qur’an 19 Maryam 96)

My Brothers:

As I began to understand more about the deeper aspects of Islam, I began to visit Masjids (mosques) and met many good and supportive brothers. I also got the chance to exchange ideals and knowledge with them. Many of them took a lot of care to be sure I was always comfortable in all circumstances. They always made me feel very happy. They truly have a place in my heart and all my support in all occasions. The brotherhood they showed me, I never thought possible before I embraced Islam. To them all I owe many thanks, they have followed the lead of their Prophet Muhammad (saww) in promoting equality and brotherly love. Surely I can never say enough good things about them, they are an example for all. They are truly righteous and good. Imam Sajjad (a-s) said: “The meeting of the righteous invites you to goodness”. (Bihar-ul-Anwar, vol.78, p.151)

Our Community:

The support and good hearts of the people of our Islamic community shines like no other. We must continue to spread the true message of Islam; we are the guides for the ignorant and lost. We must now more than ever stand together in a strong bond, so we can reach even further and go beyond our expectations. We must not forget we are the followers of the religion of ALLAH (swt) and it is this religion that HE chose for our Prophet Muhammad (saww) and for all of mankind. Believe me brothers and sisters if you knew what life was like far away from Islam, you would protect your beliefs, your morals and your Islamic faith above all things and until your death. We must not forget that our Imam; Imam Muhammad Al-Mahdi (a-s) (may ALLAH (swt) hurry his advent) will re-appear, we must be an outstanding community to receive such a great honour and privilege. And by the power of ALLAH Azz wa Jall he will be commanded to judge amongst us. We must be to him as the companions of Imam Hussayn (a-s) were to Imam Hussayn (a-s) on the day of Ashura in Karbala. I thank you all for your continuous support. Imam Ali (a-s) said: “The best of you are those whom when seen remind the people of ALLAH (swt)”. (Mishkat-ul-Anwar fi Ghuraril-Akhbar Hadith # 525)

As for myself:

It is very difficult for me to put into words all the greatness and all the blessings and peace Islam has given to me. For all of us it is not so important how and when we became a Muslim (by birth or by conversion), it is much more important the fact that this extraordinary blessing of purity and truth has deeply touched and effected our lives and it is at very least our duty to protect it, to follow and obey the word of ALLAH Azz wa Jall (The Holy Qur’an), to follow the teachings of our beloved and infallible Prophet Muhammad (saww) and his pure and infallible Ahlul-Bayt (a-s). I pray that I may be successful in my travel towards the Straight Path. I strive to turn away from this transitory life’s material distractions, I tremble and shake to be one who on The Day of Judgement has a bright and clear face and not a blacken and mournful face. I beg and plead to ALLAH (swt) to please give me protection from all evils around, in front, in back, above, below me and those contained within me. I cry and repent to ALLAH (swt) for guidance in all my affairs and to make me one who lives completely and only to be close and near to ALLAH (swt). I beseech and Implore for forgiveness for all the sins, errors, misdeeds, transgressions, offences and wicked acts that I had committed, that I am committing, and that I will commit. All praises and all thanks are to ALLAH (swt) The CREATOR and The ORIGINATOR of absolutely all existence; never can I thank ALLAH Azz wa Jall enough for saving me from the horrible darkness that I lived in and the most atrocious hell fire I was preparing for myself in my extreme ignorance. Now the veil has dropped to the ground around me and for the first time in my life I can see the TRUTH. O ALLAH, please protect us from the fire, O ALLAH, bless Muhammad and his Ahlul-Bayt just as THOU hast guided us by him! Bless Muhammad and his Ahlul-Bayt just as THOU hast rescued us through him! Bless Muhammad and his Ahlul-Bayt with a blessing that will intercede for us on the Day of Resurrection, the day of neediness toward you! THOU art powerful over everything, and that is easy for YOU! “ALLAH is the guardian of those who believe. HE brings them out of the darkness into the light”. (The Holy Qur’an 2 Al-Baqarah 257).

A Very Special Thank-you:

I wish to thank all the entire Community of Islam and in particular my very dear brothers at Al-Hawra.com and Masjid Al-Hawra Zainab (a-s) Foundation for all of their support and encouragement, for their great friendship and brotherhood. May ALLAH AZZ wa JALL bless them and their families.
The most meaningless and insignificant: Brother Ali Ja’afary Stump.

AlMujtaba Islamic Network

Sister Khadija Story

Written by Sister Khadija
Bismillah hir Rahman nir Rahim
ShukranLillah that I have been able to become a Muslim after so many years of searching for the Truth. I am even more grateful to Allah swt for having me learn about the Ahlul Bait a.s. so that I could become a Shi'i and come to the Oriiginal Islam.
I was born Muslim (submissive to Allah swt), as everyone is because Allah swt has placed submission to Him within our human nature. I was raised by my adopted family as a Christian. As a young child I went to church every Sunday with my parents and went to Sunday school. After my parents got divorced my mother and i stopped going to the church since they treated us poorly because of my parents' failed marriage.
As a teenager, I realized that I needed to have a stronger connection with God and with religion than just doing personal prayers and Bible readings at home. Even though I did not really believe that there was a dire need to have an intermediary (like a priest) within the relationship between God and humans, I wanted to become more involved in a religious community.
I returned to the church I had gone to as a child thanks to being friends with someone who went to this same church. After becoming an active church member, I realized that the church taught about God being in three parts-the idea of trinity, that Prophet Isa a.s. was the son of God, and that through Nabi Isa's a.s. sacrifice on the cross, we were forgiven of our sins.
I did not believe that God could possibly be three different entities or personalities. I believed that God was One essential power that had numerous traits and qualities like humans do, except that He was the Best and had the Best of qualities and traits (for example patience, love, and forgivenness).
I also did not understand nor believe that Nabi Isa a.s. was the son of God in the literal sense. I could understand that figuratively Nabi Isa a.s. could be described as the son of God because he, like all of us can be seen metaphorically as being either sons or daughters of Allah swt since He created all of us!
The Christian viewpoint that is and was taught to me in church about God coming down in the human from of Nabi Isa a.s. to understand us better, that Nabi Isa a.s. died on the cross to have our "original sin" forgiven, and that our sins will be forgiven no matter how bad they are as long as we totally give ourselves to Nabi Isa a.s. did not make sense to me and seemed ridiculous.
In my high school studies, I do not remember being taught much about other religions other than Christianity, though I had respect for other religions as long as they made sense to me and did not contradict what I knew to be True. By the end of high school, I had come to realize that what I believed to be true (from what I understood the Bible was saying) was in conflict with what was being preached in the church.
Later on in my studies at college, I learned more about Islam and became interested in furthering my search for the "most truthful religion". I still remained involved in the church's charity work, but didn't go to the Sunday sermons very often. I wanted to learn more about Islam, but also about Judaism, since I knew there was a lot in common between both of these religions and of course, with Christianity.
Interestingly enough I came to learn more about Islam not from a Muslim, but from a Jew. He was one of my teacher's that I had in college who was teaching a course about the "Arab-Israeli conflict". It was basically a course about Israel and Palestinian issues. He taught what was truthful and was of the belief that there was more in common between the two groups than any of their differences.
This teacher spoke about both Judaism and Islam which led to my interest in learning more outside of the classroom. Due to my shyness, I did not feel comfortable directly getting any information by asking a Jew or a Muslim a question in person, so I did my own research through any readings I could find.
During the course taught by the Jew, a debate occurred about the hijab. I surprised both myself ans I imagine both my teacher and fellow students when I said that the reasoning behind the hijab made sense to me and that I did not see anything wrong with it. The teacher had explained that the hijab was meant to protect a Muslim woman's modesty and that it was followed by the women as a moral obligation because God had told them that they should dress with only the hands and face showing.
I decided that I wanted to know how people would react to me if I wore the veil in public. I knew that Muslim women were treated differently becuase the wore more clothing than most women do who live in the western world. I wanted to have first hand experience of what people's reactions are to those who wear hijab.
As a whole, my experimentation with the hijab led to my own self-realization that I felt comfortable and more secure, more respectable when I did have the veil on, compared to when I did not. Od course, I got the stares and odd, sometimes uncomfortable looks. Overall, I had not had anyone say or do anything to me that was violent or overly rude(that I can remember).
My explorations led to me realizing that to become a Jew did not make sense since I would see myself as going backwards in terms of revelation since Nabi Isa a.s. is not accepted by Jews and I would not learn anything about Nabi Muhammad (P.B.U.H.&H.P.). I would also not be accepted very easily by the Jewish community since I was not born a Jew, I would be seen as being at the bottom of the Jewish community's "ladder of respectability and legitimacy". So even though I could have learned Hebrew since I was accepted in the college course, I dropped out and aslo left behind any interest in becoming a Jew.
Upon starting my university studies, I looked into Islam whenever I had the time and the interest. It was more towards the end of my B.A. that I paid more attention to being more devoted to learning all that I could about Islam. Unfortunately, I had better results with the materials than with actual Muslims!
One of the reasons why the books were more reliable than the Muslims, is because the Muslims I met were all men who did not practise Islam the way I knew it was supposed to be practised. I never tried to speak to any Muslims myself, it was always the Muslim men who came to me! I never really had any women who were doing dawa. There was only one time that I remember when some Muslim women were handing out flyers, but by then I had decided to stay away from most Muslims because of my encounters with the men who were drinkers and who only seemed to want sexual relations with me or any woman who was not Muslim! I started feeling as though Muslim men saw non-muslim women as not being of respect or fair treatment.
After taking some time away from my studies to decide whether or not I should actually become Muslim or not, I realized that even though some Muslims may not act the way they are supposed to, I should not let my disappointment with some Muslims stop me from becoming Muslim myself. By the time I got to this point in my life I had met a man who was helping me with becoming Muslim.
Alhamdulillah I took shahadah with him, may Allah swt bless him for that. Unfortunately, he did not teach me about salat or anything else and he didn't appear to be practising Islam nor did he give the impression that he even wanted to be Muslim! I decided it would be better for me if I cut my ties with him. Even after all of this my interest in being Muslim didn't lessen, alhamdulillah!
I had no idea where to get specific information from, who to speak to, or where to go. I had already encountered the differences in madhab and was very confused. For example I had read hadith from volumes of Muslim and Bukhari that did not make sense and seemed to be outright stupid. One that I can remember is about Prophets a.s. not being infallible and committing sins like adultery or drinking alcohol.
If I had not met a Shi'i woman through my cashier job, I do not think that I would have become a practising Muslim as soon as I did. You see, I did not even realize that i was already Muslim after taking shahadah with the Brother. So I did not realize that I was expected to pray or fast nor did I even know how to pray nor about any of the other obligatory practises.
I feel very privileged to have been able to come to the True Islam right away instead of being Sunni first. It is very rare for this to happen and I know that the only reason I am Shi'i is because Allah swt directed me to this Straight Path. Without His help I would have remained lost and searching for the religious fulfillment I needed.
We are so much more enriched than any other religion or sect because of the light and truth that comes from being followers of the Ahlul Bait a.s. Their lives are examples of how to live with dignity and respect. Their wisdom and knowledge can not be claimed by anyone else, only Allah swt has the right to claim even more knowledge than the Ahlul Bait a.s. since His knowledge is infinite.
Being able to have other positive Muslim role models is very important for any Muslim who wants to be practising properly and to have a community of other Muslims who place the same amount of attention and importance onto their religion as you do. Insha'Allah our community will continue to learn and to place more importance upon being better Muslims. Until we show Imam Mehdi a.s. that we are prepared for his return, it won't take place...and this is what I fear, that his a.s. return might not come sooner than later because of our community's lack of commitment and readiness.
Fe aman illah
Khadija
www.almujtaba.com

Out of the Darkness

Written by Brother Paul
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful…
I was raised Christian (Protestant) from birth and went to church on a regular basis with my grandmother, my mother is not religious, and my father was not around at all. It was that way until I was about 8 years old, then my mother informed me that I didn’t have to go to church anymore if I didn’t want to…man, did that sound good as an 8-year-old, no more church! That meant sleeping in and being able to play with my friends all day without any interruptions. Of course I made that decision based on an 8-year-old mind and not my love or understanding of God. I soon became what I would call more of an Atheist then anything else, I grew to feel a resentment towards God and believed that organized religion was a joke and I didn’t want any part of it. As I got older, my life started to fall apart, my grades dropped, I lost my friends, and my relationship with my family got to an all time low. I found myself in a state of severe depression that left me dead to myself. All of this peaked in the eighth grade when I decided that life was no longer worth living.

My family was destroyed by the economy. My mother lost one job after another and she would always complain about how much it cost to raise me. I figured that since I saw myself going nowhere, my life spiraling downward, not having any good friends left, feeling that my family resented me, because of all this I felt I had nothing to live for. Most important, though I didn’t realize it yet, I hadn’t brought God into my life.

On one fateful day in April, 2003 I made the decision to stop the pain and what I saw as suffering. I gathered all of the pills I could find in the house and set off to a secluded island in the middle of a river close to my town. I ditched my bike, waded into the chilled early spring water in nothing but a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. I made it to shore and moved through the thick, leafless brush and trees, and finally found a rock about the size of a dinner table sunk into the ground and partially covered with leaves, I sat down, and began to cry. I didn’t really know why I was crying, I was thinking about my whole life, everything that was negative to me. I thought about all the kids who had tortured me in school, mentally and physically, all the teachers that made my life so hard, my family who I was positive hated me and wouldn’t care less if I died, but they would never know. That’s why I went out to that rock on a hidden island, deep in the woods. They would never find me, and they would just assume I had run away. I laid back on the rock, resting my head on some moss, still crying and becoming filled with anger as I reminisced about my failed life. It started to rain slightly, a cold icy rain that soaked my sweatshirt and pants; I could hear shallow thunder off in the distance.

I could feel something shifting around in my pocket, I pulled it out and I remembered that I had brought along the pills. I started to shove them down my throat not stopping to realize that I was actually going through with it. I began to get light headed and dizzy, after this I cant recall how much time passed but I do remember, as cliché as its sounds, my life pass before my eyes, but this time nothing negative, but everything that I would be missing in life, my future. I saw myself in high school, in college, I saw myself getting married, everything that I would miss if I had died right then and there. The thing that saved my life was throwing up, I threw up multiple times, releasing the poison that I had ingested. I ended up stumbling back home, calling 911, and getting to the hospital.

That incident changed me completely. I figured out that there was something missing in my life, that I just didn’t have that was acting as a void and damaging everything else. So from this point forward I was determined to find what was missing, and fix it. I started to get more involved with friends, it helped but I just found myself struggling to hard and getting no where. So I tried doing better in school when high school started in the fall, it also helped but I just didn’t feel how I wanted to and started getting discouraged once again like in eighth grade. After a lot of thought I finally figured out that which was missing, God, and religion. The logical thing to do was go back to Christianity, so I did. I went to church every Sunday once again but after a few weeks, nothing made sense to me, I found myself bored and resentful of the pastor for wasting my time, just like I was 8 again. Even though Christianity didn’t work for me it still made it clear that religion was what I needed, so I began to intensely research all religions, all sects of Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Taoism, you name it I probably did some kind of study into it. When I came across Islam, every little bit I read made so much sense to me, it illustrated to me how I wanted to live my life as an adult and it reinforced all of the morals that I had and that my family had taught me.

Even though the factual knowledge appeased my thoughts for a right religion, I still had to make sure; I began to change my life a little bit at a time. I first stopped eating pork. Any person who has ever eaten pork knows that it is very addicting, but I was able to stop, cold turkey. This was the first sign to me that I was on the right tract; if I could stop eating one of my favorite foods then I knew that I was heading down the right path.

The next thing that I changed, or rather, started, was fasting during the holy month of Ramadhan in 2004. I didn’t know much about what to do, nor, was I praying yet, but I figured that the fasting would prove my self-discipline and help me to mature. I completed it, nearly perfect. I considered it another sign I was following the right path. After the month of Ramadhan I considered my self to be Muslim, I still didn’t start going to a Mosque for about 6 more months, that includes my Shahada, but nevertheless, I called my self a Muslim.

One of the worst events that I have ever experienced and one of the greatest tests came on New Years Eve 2004. It was a beautiful night, warm (for Michigan) which was like 45 degrees, and it was clear. I had made it my New Years Resolution to exercise more and get in shape and get on the football team come spring. So that night I had gone out jogging at around 8pm. I went to the park near my house, only about ¼ mile from my home. I jogged around the wooded path about 3 times when I stopped to take a break at the top of a hill. There were a few kids up there standing around in black sweatshirts and smoking. I sat down on the freezing cold metal bench about 10 yards from where they were standing. I leaned over to stretch my legs when I hear laughter coming from one of them. Then one of the girls, that accompanied them, begins to make jokes about how I was dressed (I was wearing a tee-shirt and running pants), I guess they thought it was funny because it was so cold. I stood up and turned to face the group. I told them to “shut up” and turned to walk away and started up running again, I could feel the atmosphere growing quite bad and so I just wanted to get out of there. The only thing I remember hearing was a guy yelling out some profanities along with the phrase “where the hell are you going?”

I started running down the hill when all of a sudden I felt myself hit the ground and I went blank. I heard a loud ringing and could feel, but couldn’t see, myself getting dragged. It felt like a dream, it was surreal, like it wasn’t really happening but I knew it was. When I came to, I looked up and could see the stars and the tops of trees swaying in a calm breeze. I then realized that I couldn’t feel my body, in fact, I couldn’t feel much at all! I was numb all over. I then tried to move my arms to push my self up, I couldn’t. I yanked them forward, nothing, I tried to turn my body around but my arms just weren’t there. I was finally able to look over my shoulder and see that my arms were bound with something behind my back, making them useless. I tried to pull them apart but nothing worked. I tried to stand up and I felt my hip pop and I stumbled over, I looked over at my legs and they were tied by something to a tree. I tried to pull them away but there was no use. They were also bound together with some kind of boxing tape. I could hear it crunch and crinkle as I tried to move. My whole body was numb, but now that I had started to move I started to get really cold as feeling slowly began to fill my skin. There were only a few spots on my body that felt warm; I could feel the blood oozing out of wounds. I laid back exhausted from struggling, and with the little light there was left I could see that the lightly snow covered ground around me had been soaked with blood, How long had I been out there to bleed this much? This is where I panicked, fear swept over me. I knew that I was going to die, I was in the middle of the woods, tied to a tree, bleeding profusely and I had been there for hours. My body began to shut down, my vision, my movement, my hearing was almost gone; my mind was running all around and my heart felt like it could stop at any minute. I tried to scream for help, but no sound came out. I tried to scream at the top of my lungs, I felt something pulling at my face around my mouth. It was tape; it was wrapped part way around my head and gagging me at my mouth.

After what seemed like hours more of muffled screaming the tape finally came loose from the moisture of my mouth and it slid down enough so that I could finally be heard. I managed to sit-up and continued screaming for help I could taste blood and I could feel it running down my face. My lips felt frozen and torn. After a long time I gave up, I collapsed back down. I was going to die, this was it, I was going to face my whole life soon, and Allah would be there, that is all I could think about. My mind was racing around, thinking about everything.

I suddenly saw light as it swept across my face, burning my eyes as I tried to open them. I could hear yelling in the distance. I could see the light reflect off of the tall oak tree that I was bound to. I was scared, I felt confident the light was coming from that group of kids who had done this to me. They were coming to finish me off. I was defiantly going to die now. I blacked-out again, some how I saw my self praying, I knew nothing about how to pray as a Muslim, yet there I was, alone, and praying, some how without any prior knowledge of proper Islamic prayer, I knew what I was doing and doing it right.

Subhan Allah, my eyes then opened and I managed to cry out once more, a man overheard my cry and came to my rescue untying me. He flashed a light on me as he continued to unbind me. At this point I could see the extent of the damage to my body. My skin was in shreds. He made an attempt at unbinding my arms but they were too tightly bound. The man then managed to help me up but my legs were weak and I fell to the ground into a puddle of water. The icy water felt like fire as it drenched my scarred body. On a second attempt I was able to manage to walk with his assistance. I was barefoot and half-naked. As we struggled to make it to the man’s house only a few hundred yards from where I laid I noticed flashing lights and paramedics and police. I looked down and could see that behind me I left a blood trail through the snow. Immediately police officers and paramedics surrounded me, they cut the tape from around my arms, and I then blacked out again. I didn’t wake up completely until I was in the hospital, where I would recover for two weeks.

The kids that perpetrated this crime were not found and they probably never will be but I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart. This crime against me made me the person that I am today. This misguided group of kids showed me the true worth of life and they proved to me that I am a Muslim.

I do recall that when the paramedics rushed me to the hospital I was in a dream like state of mind. I could see myself as a Muslim. I saw myself praying once again, but this time in a Mosque. I was praying in a small and quiet Mosque somewhere in an oasis of trees and shrubs that looked foreign to me. To this day I still don’t know where that Mosque is or if it even exists, all I’m certain of is that one day I will find it whether it’s a thousand miles away or as close as inside me.

www.aimislam.com/advent

Muhammad Legenhausen

Name: Muhammad Legenhausen
Home Community: Qom
Country: Iran
Major: Philosophy
Age: 54
School: IKI

Profile Sketch:
born 3 May, 1953 in New York City, New York graduated from Holy Child Jesus School 1967 graduated from Archbishop Molloy High School 1971 graduated from the State University of New York at Albany 1974 with a B.A. in Philosophy. M.A. in Philosophy — Rice University, Houston, Texas, 1979 Ph.D. in Philosophy — Rice University, Houston, Texas, 1983. Thesis: Matters of Substance. From 1979 to 1989 Iwas employed by Texas Southern University, Houston, Texas, to teach the following courses: introduction to logic, symbolic logic, introduction to philosophy, aesthetics, philosophy of science, ethics, philosophy of religion. In 1979 I also taught a course on Metaphysics at Rice University. Although I was brought up Catholic and was given a religious education, I abandoned Christianity shortly after beginning my studies at the University. My philosophical outlook after that was influenced by atheistic existentialism and logical positivism, while in morals I was most impressed with such writers as Pierre Proudhon and Peter Kropotkin. In 1979 I became acquainted with Islam through my Muslim students at Texas Southern University. The first student with whom I had extended conversations about Islam was Shahíd Akbar Maliki Nouchdehi, who gave me translations of some works by Dr. Shariati, Allamah Tabataba’i, Shahid Mutahhari, and most important of all, a translation of Nahj al–Balaghah. Over the course of the next three or four years I found myself increasingly attracted to Islam. I was particularly impressed with translations of stories from Mawlana Jalal al–Din Rumi, Sa‘di, Attar, and others from the Sufi tradition, while I admired the intense desire for justice and political activism combined with genuine spirituality in Imam Khomeini and others who sacrificed so much to bring about the victory of the Islamic Revolution of Iran. I also came to respect the courage of Malcolm X, as well as the traditionalism of Dr. Nasr. Finally, in 1983, in the parking lot of a mosque in Houston, I recited the shahadatayn. After that I became one of the founders of the Muslim Students’ Association of Texas Southern University. In 1985, I had the opportunity to visit Iran for the celebration of the 6th anniversary of the Islamic Revolution, and in 1989, I was invited to teach philosophy of religion at the Islamic Iranian Academy of Philosophy in Tehran. About a year after I started teaching in Tehran, I was invited to teach philosophy and to study at the Bàqir al–‘Ulum Foundation in Qom by Ayatullah Misbàh Yazdi. I am presently teaching and doing research at the Imam Khomeini Education and Research Institute in Qom. Among my published writings are: Islam and Religious Pluralism (London: Al–Hoda, 1999) translated as: اسلام و كثرت گرايى دينى (قم: مؤسسه طه, 1379 ) (تلفن طه: 7744624 ) Contemporary Topics of Islamic Thought (Tehran: Al–Hoda, 2000). Translations of my writings have also been published by معرفت and نقد و نظر.
www.erfan.ir