Reality: Returning Back to the Truth

Written by H110
Caught between a world of enjoyment and acceptance and a world of truth and reality, I found myself booking a flight to Italy. I had to get away from it all. I was a bar tender in a popular Italian cafe and spent my weekends singing shows with my band. On the outside I was your typical Italian girl, just trying to have a good time, but on the inside, I was dying. I couldn’t live this life any longer. I couldn’t just serve drinks all day and sing all night, and then come home and try to do five prayers all at once with the right state of mind. And people had begun to notice the change. I no longer wore my hair down and my usual dramatic makeup had faded significantly. Some people thought I was depressed, others just pointed at that Muslim guy, Mohammed whom I’d been seeing. But my mother was the most disturbed of all. Why don’t you sing like you used to she’d ask. I’d tell her, I don’t know mom, it just doesn’t feel the same as it used to. I feel differently now.
She’d ask me what was on my mind, but no matter what I told her, she had already made up her mind that my boyfriend had been forcing me out of this business. In all honesty though, I had become sick of being on display, for all their enjoyment. Do they really know who I am? Why are they cheering so fervently and calling out my name? They have no idea what is in my heart right now or what I like or don’t like, so why are they talking so highly of me in the streets? It’s all so fake. I’m just an attraction, which will be replaced with a better attraction one day, and this exhilarating feeling will turn into emptiness and dejectedness instead. I kept on thinking, is this really what we’re here for? Is there more to life that the Creator wants us to experience? In which direction should I allow my life to be pulled so strongly? Something transient like a record contract that could fling my life full speed into the opposite direction that my heart has curiously been pulling me? Or should I listen to this nagging feeling that there is much more than this. I knew it. I knew what I had to do, but it was so difficult from where I was standing. I knew I could not break free and do what was right for me because of my family, who was highly critical of this religion, and heavily pressuring me into signing with the record label; my job which was family owned, and hard to get out of; my band, which played regularly and made money. All these commitments that were locking me down, but I was really somewhere else entirely and they were in no way ready to accept it.

I could no longer handle the pressure from my mother to wear more makeup, put on more revealing clothes, do my hair nice like I used to, nor could I take the mocking that came if I attempted to explain the concept of humbleness or modesty. I couldn’t take the pressure anymore. After being told enough times by so many people, “you’re just doing it for him or you’re just in love and that’s why you can’t see that he’s brainwashing you!” I began to wonder, What if I AM doing this for the wrong reasons and I just can’t see it? What if I wake up one day down the road and realize that they were all right!? I had to leave. I had to get away from all of the influence and find out for myself. I didn’t want to be pulled in any direction except my own. I would be free to listen to my heart and let God lead the way to what is good and true and pure. So I left.

The moment I was up in the air, an exhilarating feeling of freedom came over me. I was free to think, reflect, search. The fear of God was instantly felt as I gazed down at the world which symbolically looked so small and insignificant as I moved further and further away from it. Leaving my world behind, even if only for a summer, I think, was the most important thing I’d ever done for my spirit. As I flew over the great Atlantic, I made a promise to never miss one prayer, no matter how difficult the situation. I felt an instant closeness to God; something I hadn’t felt so intensely since I first converted.

When I arrived in Italy, I knew very little of the language and was unable at first to communicate almost anything. This may have been a blessing in disguise because it caused me to stop and listen for a while. I was humbled and I had no one but God to talk to. About a week in, I had a dream that made me feel like He was with me every step of this journey because He knew that I walked upon it in order to seek nearness to Him. Travelling through cities, I didn’t know how to find the Qibla (the direction towards which we pray) so I just put my rug in any direction that fit the room I stayed in. The dream endured only 3 seconds: I grabbed my prayer rug, adjusted it to the right, and woke up. So, I copied what I saw in my dream, because, who knows, right? SubhanAllah, I later found out with the help of a map, that my dream directed me perfectly southeast to Mecca.

By the second week, after much prayer, contemplation and supplication, I had already started to see things in a new light. I envisioned the world in its entire greatness, and my small existence in my city and it dawned on me that I was making this tiny insignificant thing out to be much greater than it was. Why did I fear those situations and people around me more than I feared Allah? I suddenly had this feeling of empowerment and my heart began to reach out in search of direction. I desired it so fervently and I knew that nothing could change my mind once I reached it. It came to me all at once one night while I was reading my English Quran. I felt as if Allah had spoken to my heart in such a gentle and unique way and I had never been so sure of anything else in my life. I could already picture the reactions of various family members, and of the Italian community to which I somewhat belonged. People had already been talking about me in worried tones behind my back. And now, in a matter of moments, I had made a firm decision that would soon throw my so-called secure world of 18 years upside down. Not only was I ready to go public about being Muslim, I intended to step off my plane proudly wearing the hijab.

It is worth mentioning that my mother had given me the time off work and sent me off with high hopes that Italy would make me €˜see the light’ and leave all this religious play behind. There was no doubt in her mind that the atmosphere, which can be conducive to Islamic spiritual decay if you let it, would most definitely sway me from my plans to be with Mohammed and live an Islamic life of modesty - a life devoid of the parties and entertainment that I would soon be exposed to on vacation. She thought it would be impossible to resist and even dropped hints to her cousins to really show me a good time. She even went as far as promising me that if I spend two and a half months with her family, and return still wanting to be a Muslim, that she would give me her respect and finally believe that I’m not doing this for Mohammed. She told me to go, clear my mind, decide what I really want for my life, and find what really makes me happy. So far, this had been happening, but to her dismay, it was the exact opposite effect that she wanted.

So I was off to Rome to visit my dear cousin. She was a bit of a wild child so I wasn’t sure how it would go. Earlier, I made a sincere prayer that if I noticed God was opening the doors for me, I would not hesitate to walk through them. I intended to tell my cousin of my newfound passion and my plans to wear the scarf. I am so overjoyed to say that when you do something sincerely for God that normally would’ve been horrifying, that you’d never have the courage to do, He somehow makes it so easy for you, like a breath of fresh air. He removed this burden from me the instant I put my trust in Him. I expected my cousin to be very tough with me regarding my decision to be a Muslim. I anticipated that she would reprimand me for letting a guy brainwash me this much and encourage my independence from all of this. Instead, to my surprise the conversation went much differently. I told her, I have to tell you something. She said, Ok what is it? So I continued, I want to wear the Islamic headscarf. All the time? She asked. Yes. In fact, I was planning to just put it on, on the plane and return home wearing it. She really shocked me when she replied, why don’t you just start wearing it now? I mean if it’s really what you want, why would you wait €˜till you go home. This left me quite beside myself. I took her advice and put it on that very afternoon.

Being a €˜ninja’ in Rome was a unique experience. My cousin had remarked that I was definitely the first scarf-wearing, English-speaking young woman Rome will have ever seen. There were some uncomfortable situations, but nothing beats when you’re in a huge tourist venue, like the Vatican and you spot the one other woman in the crowd wearing hijab and a comforting smile is exchanged between you, knowing that you are the only two out of thousands who look this way here. There were also encounters with people who were so encouraging and uplifting that I could swear they were angels sent to ease my way on a road never travelled before. You’d be surprised how many unexpected people really do appreciate the hijab and have a deep, immense respect for dignified women who choose to cover themselves.

I can never stress enough how amazingly helpful it is to have even one family member give you moral support. From the moment my cousin showed me that she would stand behind my decisions, I felt that even if it would just be her and nobody else in the universe, that it was truly a gift from God and that I would be more than fine. All I needed to know was that Allah Himself was with me, and He showed that to me through many intricate ways.

Still, I worried about what my family would say or think, particularly since I had always judged myself through the eyes of others, but this trend, by Allah’s mercy, didn’t end with my cousin. To my astonishment, people that I expected to react the worst, ended up showing me the most love and open-mindedness. Even in Italy I received compliments and blessings of encouragement from people who I could only describe as angels.

Coming to terms with all that had been happening within myself, I realized it wasn’t going to be a passing thing, like everyone thought. Instead of moving away from Islam, I was steadily heading straight into the depths of it. Contrary to what I considered as a possibility, I knew I wasn't ever turning back. And this trip was a necessary step to allow my soul to truly learn that. I felt it was necessary since this important change in my life occurred, to touch base with my life back at home, so I called my producer, who was also the leader of my band. Since we had many important shows to play soon after my arrival in Canada, I found it only fair to give him notice. I gathered myself, and made the phone call, and told him, with some difficulty that I had begun to observe Islamic dress and that my life would be taking a new direction from now on. My heart was beating so hard, I thought he might hear it. I expressed my apologies for the unexpected news, and explained it would be best if he found a new lead singer. He was definitely taken back by this news, as would anyone that knew me. Singing was my life; what could have possibly inspired such a change of interests in me? I don’t really expect anyone to understand why I would want to give it up, I just know in my heart where I would be right now if I hadn’t made that decision.

Contrary to what he promised, it seemed my producer had spilled the news to my mother who in turn spread it to everyone else in my life. She had not taken it well. Her husband told me that she had been crying and very sick for 3 days since she found out. It is very difficult to see people hurt so much when you know that there is nothing to be upset about at all. Where you see peace and guidance, they see ugliness and nonsense. But this is expected since the Holy Quran attests to this fact. The more guided one is to the spiritual life, the more those immersed in the worldly life will mock at you and think you’re crazy. In their eyes, you have gone off the deep end, but in your heart, you have a certainty that can never be shaken. Anyhow, she made clear to me that I was no longer welcomed in her life if I chose to dress this way. She forbade me from even nearing the street where our business was and assured me that I was about to lose my entire family over this, so I better be really happy with what I’m doing.

When I look at the big picture, I find that this whole trip was a mercy from God and that He used this event in my life to guide me. When I left, I was a different person. Sure, I had said the Shahada and meant it, but there was so much missing in my life and also, so much negative influence. The things I was doing, the places I went and the people I surrounded myself with were of no benefit to my true discovery of what Islam has to offer. I was involved in many haram situations and most of the time, it never struck me as something that I needed to change.

I noticed a phenomenon that I later realized affects many people. I started off as a new convert, with an open heart and so much to learn. But then time went by in which I didn’t progress because I was too caught up in the life of this world and ignoring all that I had so recently been guided to. What happens is you let one small thing slide by without instructing yourself against it and you think God couldn’t possibly put me in hell for this. Things are made to be fair-seeming to you, but soon enough that one thing grows into another small thing, which eventually spreads like a virus and soon enough, you find that you don’t even recognize yourself anymore because you’ve come so far from where you were, not too long ago. I’m so lucky that I broke out of this pattern, maybe as a result of some people’s prayers for me, but if I can tell of one thing that I learned from this trip, it was that you have to always move forward in your faith and you can’t ignore the things that Allah has put here for us for our benefit. We must read the Quran everyday. Not to would be a shame and a crime against ourselves. If we don’t worry about the little things, they will eventually defeat us and our standing still in Islam will eventually lead us to move backwards. This is the greatest atrocity because with a faith as perfect as this, there is no reason to let yourself move backwards. Also, the people we surround ourselves with are paramount to our spiritual growth and moral development. If we call ourselves Muslims and lead our lives like the average kafir, how can we expect Allah to look favourably upon us when we need Him? The thing is, He will have mercy on us when we’re in need anyway, even if we don’t deserve it, as I have demonstrated in my story today, so we owe it to Him and to ourselves to pay some attention to that certain man of history (saw) that brought us this message of truth and also, the man of the moment (atfs) who continually sees it through to it’s inevitable fruition.
www.aimislam.com/advent

In Search of God - My Story

Written by Sister Melanie Czekaj
We are all born with a free spirit (God given free will over mankind). And with the free spirited attitude that I have, I chose to go about my conversion to the path of I in an unusual way. I chose not to let my struggles with the non-Muslim community, in which I live, affect me. This is because of my confidence in the tradition that the Prophet Mohammad advises us: If one does what the creator loves, than the creation will love it, although they disliked it; however, if one gives into the creation and what they love, while the creator disliked it, eventually the creation would dislike it.

*

And the creator, the one, unique God loves it when a human being chooses to devote himself to the orders or commands specifically designed for his own nature for the betterment of his individual enlightenment to eventually reach unto the betterment of humanity in general. This is Islam, to acknowledge our lowliness compared to God and the beauty of his merciful gifts, to accept them by surrendering ourselves.

*

That became my goal in this life, after I have lived in that western life of over-rated individuality, where each person seeks in their life to become their own, unique individual. I sought to find out who I was in life. I bent over backwards trying to do this, experimented things, living in the fantasy world, wanting to satisfy or fill that magnetically God attracted hole inside of my heart (but not knowing that it was God that I was searching for, in order to really know my true individuality.)

*

Ever since I was a young girl I analyzed the happenings of my experiences in life. Learning to love others, to feel the pain of hurt feelings, to watch people with less fortune than myself, with physical illnesses, or even the disease of having everything and still not being happy, I turned to God. I would watch in his sky, the stars at night, and really contemplate the question of “Why.”

*

Although I was raised Christian, skipping school, running into my church trying to heal the uncertainty that I started to feel, after I heard of the truth of I from some friends, I would pray to God, “Oh the friend of mine that I knew all of my life, the creator of those stars, that I would watch, please show me the truth.” Because I knew that if you seek the Lord he would reveal himself to you.

*

“La ilaha ill Allah” (there is no deity to be worshiped, but the unified God) was the truth, that I have found, God sent to me to conclude with. Under this heavy phrase lies, the faith and actions that come hand to hand in the religion of Islam for the happiest life, the completion of my spirituality that could never be fully filled from the similar respected religion of Christianity or any other due to their lack of really knowing God’s unity, the core of understanding the prophets though out mankind teaching us the origins of the true human individuality, and answers to all of those questions that lead people to depression and dissatisfaction that give reason and meaning to virtues and the value of any struggle or difference one may have and really striving for justice.

*

I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart have never felt like I was really myself, my own individual. I am truly happy, a joy that comes from inside. It may not be understandable to the outside, seeing eye. I even cover myself with hijab, so how could that be. Me? Melanie Czekaj? An individual? She doesn’t have any style now, only the piece of cloth on herself. I hear people say when I go here and there, “life is short, live it up”. But this phrase is lack of faith to me.

*

The faithful eye, the one who could see beyond this world, would not take this constantly changing world that the human being can not keep up with and leave it. Due to his faith in the afterlife (the eternity compared to this short life.)

*

I would not have ever known or valued true faith without God’s guidance, and I would have never known the true I or “la ilaha ill Allah” with out the guidance of the Ahlul Bayt (the prophet and his household.) I was a witness to this in February, 2003.

www.aimislam.com/advent

Memoirs of my journey to the World of Shi'i Islam

Written by Sister Janaan Da’wah
Bismillah hir Rahmanir Rahim
In the name of Allah, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful

I’m a female convert to Islam and I believe I was always a Muslim, I only needed to find my path. I was born, after all, with €˜fitrah’ (innate nature) and so it was natural for me to eventually find Islam if I could see the light of truth, which I did.

“Thou set thy face in the right direction to receive the Primordial Religion, the Law of Allah, that Religion which is inherited innately for people to follow. No change in what Allah has set forth. That is the Religion to be appreciated: but most among mankind understand not" (HQ: 30:30)

I have only just begun my conversion and I have only preformed my shahaada (confession and testimony of a Muslim) at home in private between Allah (swt) and myself. However I soon look forward to reciting my shahaada at the Masjid in which I have found a place where I am welcomed and a place to worship Allah (swt) with the rest of the ummah Maa shaa Allah.

The signs were many and the feelings overwhelmed me, as I grew closer to Islam by the day. I have attempted to write down my experiences, as I felt relevant to finding Islam. I will tell you a little about my childhood and my belief system already in place and then how I discovered and eventually converted to Islam. I write about moments in my life where I felt very close to God and moments when I did not and was lost.

My life is forever changed and I am now a Muslim here’s my story.

When I was young, I was aware of my soul. I grew up in an Anglo-Protestant Canadian family hanging out in Montreal through the 70’s and 80’s, my family later moving off to Ontario when I was a teenager. We did not go to church very often, if we did it was usually Mom forcing us to go around the holiday season. Boring, you stand you sit, you stand you sit, I wouldn’t listen I’d just daydream. I didn’t mean any disrespect but I just never found it grabbed my attention. We were not a religious family however we were and still are a close family with a whole lot of love and respect for one another. We are the kind of family that hangs out together every weekend even as adults.

I do not recall ever being told to pray or to believe in God but yet I always did. I don’t remember how it started but I always remember praying to God and thanking him and asking for forgiveness. I felt very connected spiritually and with this I felt very aware of my soul.

I was about four years old when I asked my parents a very peculiar question that had to do with the awareness of my soul, “Why is it that we only have our eyes to look through? Why can’t we look through our bodies? I feel so trapped in”. You can imagine, my parents thought it was a rather odd thing to say and they more or less dismissed it politely and replied “Hmmmm, Well, dear, that’s a very interesting thought”, (or at least this is how I recall it) but they always encouraged me to discuss anything that may concern or interest me so I continued to ponder life and ask questions much like most kids would.

A sensitive child. “Yes, be careful how you are around her she’s very sensitive you don’t want to have her in tears.” They were right I was very sensitive and I still am. I was always concerned about making sure everyone around me was ok. Making sure everything around me was ok. I would worry about everyone even strangers. (still do)

We use to have this lovely big maple tree out at the front of our house. I would climb it frequently and I would sit in my favorite spot at the top. I looked it over, the branch, and its every detail, so rigid, so strong. I would inspect the leaves and stems to check for anything out of the norm..not that I ever really new what €˜out of the norm’ might look like. I simply had affection for this tree it was life.

The branch jutted out in a way that allowed me to sit in it much like a mothers arms as she cradles her child. I marveled over its creation and I would sit there feeling comforted as though I was a part of the tree. I would sit and I would daydream about life, the sky, the air, friends and this tree. However, sometimes I just daydreamed about that cute little boy down the street that smiled at me. I loved that tree it was nurturing and I had respect for it.

Another stray cat, a dog, squirrels, so many injured birds, chipmunks, mice…the list goes on. I was forever bringing home animals. I felt very connected to them and I went out of my way to make sure they were safe. I use to feed the squirrels in my backyard with peanuts that I dangled precariously from my mouth. My Mum would warn me to be careful that I would likely be bitten but I never was. Foolish though, Mum was right I could have been.

I regarded all forms of life and did my best to remind myself of their worth.

The Monarch butterfly flew into my hand. I was just 8 years old. It was so lovely to look at, those wings as they gently moved back and forth; the colours and it perched there on my hand as if about to tell me a story. I loved it immediately. I was so excited by its beauty.

“Oh let me get a glass and I’ll catch it for my artwork”, my Aunt yells out to me. My grandmother points out to her sister not to bother that the butterfly will be gone by the time she returns from the house with a glass to capture it. My grandmother looks over to me, my eyes were as big as saucers and welling up with tears she looked so concerned. My grandmother new that I had realized why my aunt wanted to capture the butterfly she wanted to kill it for her artwork.

My Aunt would press butterflies and flowers under glass and somehow convince people it was €˜art’. “Don’t let it go now hold on to it” my aunt yells out to me as she makes her way from the backyard to the back door and into the house. My heart was racing I knew that if I were to let the butterfly go that my aunt would be very mad with me but how can I not let it go? I’m responsible for the life of this butterfly, as God had made me aware of it. I didn’t hesitate for more then a few seconds I waved my hand up into the air and it flew off. My grandmother looked at me and smiled.

My aunt came rushing out with the glass in her hand, she saw my empty hand, she was mad….I wasn’t.

To be aware: It’s my belief that if you are made aware of a plight of a person, animal, nature that if you are made aware of it, it is because God made you aware and it is your obligation to then try to do something about it to the best of your ability. So stopping in the middle of traffic to help the stray dog cross the road is not an uncommon thing for me to do (just a heads up if you happen to be in the passenger seat with me at some point (giggle) ).

I know of many that share this view and in particular many Muslims seem to. The Muslims that I have met have all been very welcoming, caring and ready to be there for me when and if I need something. My experience with my conversion and becoming part of the Muslim community has been a very positive one.

Offer your zakat all things belong to God, and our wealth is therefore held by us only in trust, I believe this to be true.

I have acknowledged the five pillars of Islam. The Hajj is the pilgrimage to Mecca and one of the pillars. It is the center of the world. (Mecca, located in Saudi Arabia, where the Kaaba sits and was built by the Prophets Ibrahim (pbuh) and son Ismail (pbuh)). Mecca is the city in which Muhammad revealed the words of God for approximately a dozen years before leaving to Medina. This pilgrimage is one that will help to define me as a Muslim. I pray to achieve this goal some day.

Islam, I’ve been made aware I know the truths now so it is my obligation to let others know the truths.

My Dreams I always wrote my dreams down or told my father about them. I would look forward to sleeping as I enjoyed analyzing my dreams the next morning. There were some dreams that made no sense at all then there were the ones that left you with a funny feeling and then the lucid dreams when you are aware you are in a dream and the recurring dreams these were the ones I enjoyed most.

I dreamt of angels. I was a young teen and I had experienced something rather traumatic. I was the unfortunate victim of a young man's lust. I knew him and I trusted him, this is where I went wrong. At the time I did not know I had any legal rights and the thought of saying anything to my parents left me feeling shameful. I decided to stay quiet but I soon became distant from my friends and family.

During this period in my life I found my dreams changed in mood. They became darker as every day my thoughts became darker as well and I grew more distraught. The dreams were often of Shaytan but it was not only Shaytan who occupied my dreams. I had two angels on either side of my shoulders at all times. They encouraged me to fight the devil and to be strong. I could feel their love for me. They held close to me and whispered advice in my ears. Much like the coach at the corner of the ring once the bell rings he massages your shoulders throws water in your face and tells you how great you are “You can do it, you can beat this guy!” and you believe him and so you fight and you win.

I felt touched by an angel. One late night, during this dark period, I sat on my bed in my bedroom and I drew my knees up to my face and rapped my arms around them as I rocked myself gently. I was so sad so despondent so full of shame and fear and anger. I sat and I prayed to God and I asked God why I had to feel this way? I had thoughts of wanting to end my life that night.

Then something happened and I often wonder if it was only a dream but it all felt so real. I felt a hand come under my chin and it raised my chin to look towards the sky. Then this voice, not sure if it was in my head or where it was from, reassured me and told me that I only needed to speak to God and to God I should speak with full sincerity and intention and he would take me from my pain.

I felt frightened but calm at the same time as much as this contradicts itself. I spoke to God that night, I spoke to God knowing that he was listening, knowing that he was there for me and I asked God for his help. I then felt this warmth wash over my body, like a bucket of warm water spilled over me from head to toe and I cried and I cried and I cried. I felt exhausted and fell asleep. I did not dream of Shaytan again.

I crawled out of my black hole that night and I no longer had these sad feelings that overwhelmed and crippled me. I got on with my teenage years. I reflect on this a lot. This was a sign from God that he is there for me when I am sincere and when I truly believe in him.

After this event my life became busy and my soul took a back seat while the material world stepped in for a few years. This was a time when I made plenty of mistakes in my life.

A recurring dream about a book. This recurring dream started so far back that I’m not sure how old I was. I would have it maybe twice or three times a year right up until just a few years ago.

I entered a dimly lit room. The room was baron except for an old wooden table that sat near the middle. There were no other people in the room but there was a presence. On the table there laid a large opened book. I would attempt to move towards the book but I would struggle something or someone was usually holding me back. I would wake feeling frustrated and reminded of all the other times I had experienced this dream in the past, never once being able to read this book. On occasion in my dream I would brake free and make it over to the table and to the book but when I looked down at the pages I could not read the words. I could not understand the words. What was this book trying to tell me?

An epiphany. I made the purchase and the teller handed me my first English translated Qur’an and when I looked down at the Qur’an, time seemed to stand still; my dream suddenly came to the forefront of my mind. I hadn’t thought of the dream for so long.

I was holding €˜the book’, the book on the table, the book I had been longing to read. The feelings were overwhelming a rush of heat came over my body and my hands began to tremble. This was the beginning of my life with Islam. This was a sign.

When I discovered more about Islam my dreams seemed to begin telling me messages. I had this veiled woman come to me she pointed to parts of the world that were in trouble that had lost their way to God. I was shown war and violence and the homeless. I saw myself talking to people about Islam. I was shown three stones and the stones were moved together to become one stone. I interpreted this dream to mean the three major religions are meant to be one. I was told I needed to help spread the deen and to do it as soon as possible. I was also shown ways to express my art to bring attention to Islam. It was clear that all my dreams were telling me that not only do I convert and submit to Allah (swt) but that I should also spread the truths of Islam.

I believe my dreams were signs and I saw them as such at the time and so they only helped to encourage my efforts to study slam.

What triggered the changes in me to begin a search for truth and a rediscovery of my soul? As I write this, five years ago I gave birth to my second child. It was a difficult birth as I had to have cesarean section and the unfortunate or fortunate experience that occurred during this operation was what began to alter my life.

I was given what’s referred to as a €˜spinal’ rather then an €˜epidural’, it’s an anesthetic. The anesthesiologist will take a very long needle and insert into your spinal canal, which is next to your spinal cord, to cause freezing over your lower torso. The operation was going well my son was born and I was overjoyed to see him. This perfect little son, this life, this miracle of God. I love my sons.

The nurses hurried him off to check him over as the Doctor’s continued to clean me up and begin the process of sewing me up layer by layer. I thought things were going all right until I realized I could move my feet, then my legs and then this unbelievable sensation of heat and searing pain began to build in my belly. In a panicked but steady voice I told the anesthesiologist, who stood just over my shoulder, that I could feel everything. He seemed very concerned and he attempted to comfort me by telling me the Doctors were almost done the operation. He was right they were done approximately fifteen minutes later but it was the longest fifteen minutes of my life.

During this fifteen-minute window of pain something very strange happened to me. The pain I was experiencing was not my focus after the first two or three minutes. My attention was on this odd sensation this pulling of sorts or a sucking. It had nothing to do with the operation itself. It felt as though my soul was being sucked or pulled away from me. I laid there panicked but focused on this sensation, focused because I felt I had to hold on to my soul or I felt I would die, I had to be here for my son, my new baby who needs me, my baby needs me. I concentrated as hard as I could to stay focused on my soul. This sensation is one that I have never experienced in my life nor do I ever want to again. Was this a near-death experience? I don’t know, but I know it triggered a change in me, a refocusing of my soul.

The nurses rolled me into the €˜wake up area’ of the operating room and they instructed me to let them know when I could wiggle my toes. I lifted my legs from the gurney, they gasped and ran for the Doctor.

I began to feel confused maybe a little lost. Who am I? After the birth of my second son I found myself thinking a lot about my soul again. I submerged myself into my artwork and I began to visit with an artist friend of mine who I was studying under, every three months. When I would visit him and his family I would feel comforted emotionally and it was filing some of my soul but there was still so much missing. My husband worked out of town more then he was home but he was always home on weekends and a loving man and great provider. The distance, however, grew us apart and I cried in private a lot during this time. It was very difficult on all of us. A change was happening within me. I felt I had to search for something, but what? It was all so confusing.

I played games on the net and oddly enough I was introduced to Islam. I often played games with my children. I love spending time with them and we enjoy playing games on the systems for TV and on computer. My older son introduced me to this very popular online multiple player game. Hundreds of thousands of players from all over the world play online in this virtual world. So my son and I played this game together on line. He played on his pc I played on mine. It was a learning experience we had to fend for ourselves finding food and items of survival. The other feature offered by this game and the feature I most enjoyed was the ability to be able to talk to other players. It was so much fun to help people in the game that you knew were people somewhere out there in the world. I always lectured my son to be kind to the other players as they are real people with real feelings. He is so kind in nature I really didn’t have to say this.

One morning while playing the game I bumped into a player that needed some help. After I assisted him I found he was so polite and so kindhearted that I asked if I could put him on my friends list. (For his privacy I will not divulge his real name so I will refer to him as Din) Din agreed and when he came online I would talk to him about the game and ask for advice. One day we some how got to talking a little about life. There were others, around us at the time we weren’t alone. He told me he was a Muslim. I have never known a Muslim and I was very intrigued. I asked him about his religion and he told me about Islam. Din mentioned that he thought maybe I was Muslim at first because of how I represented myself in the game. He always joked that I was much too nice and that I spent more time helping people out then actually playing the game.

When he came online we would often talk about Islam and I found myself becoming more interested in Islam so it wasn’t long before I decided I would do some research on my own. Din advised me as to which sites to visit and to which books to read that pertained to Shi’a but he also encouraged me to look into all of the Muslim sects. He never pushed Islam on me he would wait for me to ask then he would answer and encourage. Din made it clear that I was not meant to talk to him because of my gender so we kept our conversations to Islam and the game. I mentioned to Din that it was unique to get to know him through the Internet because we could not see one another and I equated this as a form of €˜hijab’. We were forced to see whom we were inside. We contacted each other through the game, e-mail and on occasion messenger however I respected his concerns about my being female. I understand this situation more now that I am Muslim. I am very grateful to Din for introducing me to Islam; however, Din takes no credit and tells me it is all the will of Allah (swt).

I read and I read and I read. I couldn’t stop reading about Islam; it was as if I had been walking the driest desert my whole life and now finally finding a source of water to revive me. The more I drank/read the more connected I felt the more energized my body became and the more my life began to change.

Shi’a, to be a Shi’a Muslim this sect was slowly beginning to show true to me. I discovered my connection with Shi’ites while reading extensively about the two major Islamic sects, the Sunnites and Shi’ites. I read about many other sects as well such as Sufis, Nizari, Ismailis and even wahhabis (and others). I even began to touch on Christianity, Judaism and Buddhism.

I read extensively on the life of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his loving wife Khadija. I fell in love with them and their journey together. I have such admiration for the relationship that Muahammad’s (pbuh) and Khadija maintained even with their age gap. I sincerely believe they held a very special love between them; it was their gift from Allah (swt), in this life, for their surrender to his will.

As I continued to read about the Imams I fell in love with each of them. Ali Ibn Abi Talib (pbuh), once having read about him I found myself in awe of him. This Imam truly was a pious and virtuous man, a man that men should aspire to. I would (and do) wake up at night and read about Islam any available moment I have I spend in study. I would listen to audio lectures (some of which Din sent through email) and I watched anything to do with Islam through documentaries. I would download and watch lectures by Imams on the Internet and many have inspired me. I have audio lectures copied over to mp3 player so that I can listen while in travel. I even started the process of learning to speak Arabic.

This beautiful religion was unfolding in front of me. The light was turned on and I could see the truth with my own eyes. I could not get enough.

Why did I choose Shi’a? It made the most sense to me. Allah (swt) had sent message to the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and as Muslims we believe all of his messages as we believe that Muhammad (pbuh) is the messenger of Allah (swt) the All Knowing, the Creator. Because of this fact we should believe in all that he had stated.

It is my belief that Muhammad (pbuh) designated Ali Ibn Abi Talib (pbuh), The Commander of the Faithful, who was cousin and son-in-law to the Prophet, to be his true successor (the first Imam). If Muhammad (pbuh) had instructed us whom to follow then we should listen. If we believe that Muhammad (pbuh) is the messenger of Allah (swt) then how can we disregard his message?

"I leave two things of value amidst you in trust which if you hold on to you will never go astray: the Quran and the members of my household. These will never be separated until the Day of Judgment."
It is of my belief that the descendants of the Prophet are blessed with an innate ability to see Islam in a way that most of us who are not descendants do not and if these descendants choose to study Islam they will be most successful and if they go astray it is a great loss. I have read of many Muslims that do not hold the lineage of the Prophet behind them but they are very pious and highly knowledgeable of Islam. I express my tolerance for all religions and for many of the other Muslim sects. I would only voice that we find our comparisons rather then our differences.

The pressures of growing up female in a western culture. I was told I’m pretty and I have a nice figure. I hate compliments never been good at knowing what to say. “You have such a lovely figure why hide it? show it off”. This is what I was told by many and it always made me so uncomfortable. As I got into my teen years I began to dress a little more provocatively. (Tighter jeans and tops and high-heeled shoes). Following the fashion guidelines of many of my peers.

This style did not change much for me, as I got older. I would dress to draw attention to myself. It was not uncommon to get catcalls, rude comments and stares or having a man talk to my breasts rather then to me. (Long blond hair, lots of makeup, miniskirts and jewelry). I have even been stalked not just once but twice, one stalking lasting over two years.

You grow up in a western culture concerned on a regular basis about your appearance. Everywhere you look you see ads and billboards of scantily clad women selling products with perfect figures and flawless features. My weight, even though I never had a weight problem, became an obsession for me and I lived by the scales. I’m five feet five inches tall (although I’m told I look taller, could be the heels :) ) and in my teen years I dropped down to 95 pounds at one point. I wouldn’t eat. I felt I had to stay thin to look good, to feel good about myself and to remain attractive to the opposite sex. Fortunately I struggled and got out of this starvation/anorexia mode. I didn’t know any girl in my class though that didn’t feel the same way. We were all obsessed with our weight and appearance. I knew of girls that were throwing up in the school washrooms in attempt to lose their lunch and they would come out smiling. How sad.

So I know first hand the pressures of being a woman living in a western culture. I was rarely looked at for who I am on the inside. I was always judged by my appearance first as many women are. The opposite sex was drawn to me because of how they viewed me they didn’t care about my level of intelligence or my spirituality and or interests. Some might say, don’t complain at least you’re an attractive person but there can be a very negative side to drawing attention to your physical make-up. As a Muslim today I can’t help but notice that I draw less attention modestly dressed.

When I met my husband we were very young I’m sure his original attraction was physical as was mine but he soon took the time to really get to know me. Even though we are separated today he stands by my decision to convert to Islam and he remains a constant support. He thinks that my decision to become Muslim and my wish to spread the word of Islam to non-Muslims is commendable. He is proud of me even through our difficulties. You can imagine we have had our share of debates about Islam but they have all been a learning experience for me as much as they have been, at times, frustrating. It’s good to be prepared with quick retort for future non-Muslims that will cross my path with lots of questions and possibly charged with a negative attitude towards Muslims. I want to stand prepared.

The miracle of sura Al-Faitha (the opening) the words of Allah (swt). Din recommended I should learn this sura first so he sent me an audio file and wrote it out for me and emailed it. When I first heard it I thought it was beautiful but I also thought how in the world was I ever going to be able to learn this? I practiced every day for weeks. I was finally able to say it and say it rather well. I would say it as much as maybe 30 times a day because I soon realized that when I said it out loud it was doing something to me physically, something really nice.

When I would say sura Al-Fatiha out-loud I felt very calm and secure and again this warmth washing over me as it had done at other points in my life. I mentioned how I was having these sensations, while reciting Al-Fatiha, to Din and he informed me “Yes this is how you are meant to feel it is part of the miracle that is the Qur’an”. I thought how incredible is that? I do not know the miracle of the Qur’an at that point. I know now that the Qur’an is itself a miracle and I have read that the words are so pure that they can bring converts in upon hearing them recited for the first time and most effectively sura Al-Fatiha.

I can see that had I been told it can effect you this way that maybe on a subconscious level I might have some how altered my body, but I had no idea. I felt so moved every time and still do when I say out loud sura Al-Fatiha. These words from God are the most powerful words that have ever crossed my lips. I looked at this as a sign and more compelling reason to further my studies.

I met a Shi’a Muslim Sister, a friend. After several months I realized I needed to begin to speak with other Muslims I wanted to reach out to the community to the ummah but I felt shy. Din was full of advice on these matters and he mentioned a forum on the Internet called shiachat. For the first few weeks I stayed silent but I finally had the courage to post and once I started I kept on posting. It was a great way to talk about Islam and life with other Muslims and for me mainly the sisters. I then posted my conversion story and to my delight I received so many replies and welcomes to Islam. I felt so thrilled to be accepted it was a great comfort. A big warm hug.

This one shi’a sister lived only an hour from me and she wanted to meet me and take me to Friday Jumah prayer. We sent several long emails before we got together. I met not only her (who I will refer to as Q) but I also met her Mum and her sister. Q was very welcoming and caring she hugged me and handed me a gift, a hijab. We then went to an Islamic shop where I purchased some clothes that I then wore to Friday Jumah prayer at the Masjid she attends. The day was momentous for me and I felt welcomed into the Masjid by all the sisters. I prayed for the first time with others and I felt so good inside.

Q adjusted my hijab and assured me I looked fine. We agreed that we would become great friends that we can foresee a good connection. We further agreed that Allah (swt) had chosen for us to meet and that together we will learn more about Islam and we will support each other Maa shaa Allah. Allah (swt) knows best. Q expresses her feelings in an email to me after we first meet she writes “Janaan the second I saw you smile I knew you were one of those people who have big hearts and the ability to change someone's day with a simple smile. I’m sure many people have told you this, but you're beautiful and you have a radiant personality that shines through.” This was the nicest compliment I had ever received as I knew her words were sincere and that she could see who I was inside. I cried upon reading this. I feel blessed to know her, she is my sister, she is my friend.

The conflicts of being a female converted Muslim in a very western culture. It became clear very soon into my study of Islam that most around me were not comfortable with it. Some even accusing me of loosing my mind?? There was a lot going on in my life with the separation to my husband and my interest in Islam and my family was confused by my actions. The fact that I was embracing Islam with my heart and soul was a shock for everyone around me. A religion they knew very little about and were partly influenced by what they hear in the media as I was before taking the steps to learn the truth. It’s very trying to be experiencing such an altering of oneself a reawakening of your soul and a focus on your spirituality and not be able to have your close friends and family to share it with.

They were listening but not really understanding so it was frustrating for me and still is at times. I know that my family will always love me no matter what and I know they will never abandon me. So many in my circle of friends and family thought they knew me well but didn’t as they said things like “Well you were an €˜atheist’ now you love God?”… “ Atheist??” I replied.. “When have I ever stated that??”. I’m a fairly private person when it comes to my spiritual side I do not divulge a lot of my intimates to others. They assumed because I did not practice a religion that I did not believe in God. I also never really told any of them (nor had they ever asked) whether I believed in God so I can see why they assumed but they assumed wrong.

I’m sure if any of my family/friends circle read this memoir of conversion they will be surprised but I hope it gives them some idea of where I’m coming from and where I want to go. I am Muslim for me not for anyone else.

People are confused to see that I want to wear hijab. Why would I cover my long hair and cover my body that was normally showing to the world? They don’t understand and most see it as oppression rather then how I see it as liberation. The changes to my wardrobe were dramatically different but I did not have to think long and hard about it. I understood it when I read the virtues of modesty practiced within Islam and so to dress modest was a must for me and it was part of my submission to the will of Allah (swt). Modest dress is a great virtue to help establish the proper workings of a society under Islam. To those non-Muslims that say but why would you hide your body like that you have no reason to hide it. I tell them my body will be for the Muslim man that I choose to marry if I choose to re-marry again and for only him. Does this not make it more special? It does, in my opinion. I have nothing to prove I struggle to be seen for who I really am.

As a convert I have taken it upon myself to study Islam as many hours as I can. I know that as a convert I will be asked (and have been) many questions from non-Muslims and Muslims as to my intentions and my understandings of Islam. The more knowledge I build the more power I will have for friendly debate. I want to make for a good representative of Islam and of Shi’a Muslims as I am obligated.

It’s a comfort that I have a handful of very understanding friends. I have a few friends that live near by I have one in the US and a very close friend who lives in England. They have all shown me respect in my choice to become Muslim and they have done their best to try to understand what I’m going through. My US friend is Catholic and we have had some great conversations comparing our religions and our love for God. My British friend and I connect on a spiritual level, she is very understanding and compassionate.

I think my family is afraid that I will change, that I will not be the same person. They are wrong however as I am the person I was meant to be since I was a child. I had temporarily stepped off my path but I am now back on it and I will continue along this path to the end. My parents will eventually understand my quest and they will respect it. I know this because of their understanding nature and love for me. I respect my parents and I am grateful for all they have ever given me and that they continue to give me.

I now find patience with those that do not understand my choices as Allah (swt) has given me the strength to do so.

All my life I felt a €˜building towards something’ feeling inside me. This feeling was there from a very early age. Maybe it’s the same feeling that one has when you question at some point why you’re here? Is there more to life?.. I have always felt that I was building towards something important. Every momentous event that would come up in my life I would wonder if it was the event that would help clarify this feeling of building towards something big. It was always there in the back of my mind and it always had me wondering. I would often have this strange day-ja-vous effect when something significant happened in my life. For only a few seconds I felt I was in a dream like state then in my minds eye I see a path in front of me, and it forks off into different directions, I choose one. This strange day-ja-vous or this visual in my mind of pathways happened to me several times in my life and it would always signify my life would be taking a different direction. It happened at momentous events such as my first job, boyfriend, my artwork, the birth of my sons, my marriage. Just before the separation to my husband and the discovery of Islam I had another €˜pathway visual’ so I prepared myself. It was yet another sign.

One more sign. I prayed to Allah (swt) to show me another sign to please show me that I am meant not only to be true to Islam to be a Muslim but also to spread my story of conversion to tell others about Islam and its truths. Is this something I am meant to do? The next day I was asked if I would be interested in submitting this memoir to AIM. Question answered.

To convert, to be a Muslim and to try to enlighten others with my conversion to Islam, is my path.

I wake up automatically in the morning around 3:30, 4:00 a.m and do you know what I hear in my head? I hear call to prayer and it’s beautiful.

I am a Shi’a Muslim and I am so proud to tell you this fact. Allah (swt) most Beneficent, the most Merciful, has led me to him and I surrendered.

www.aimislam.com/advent

Sister Gwana (Ajibola)

Written by Sister Gwana (Ajibola)
The sister I have come to know as Sister AlSabira asked me to write about how I came be Muslim. Mashaa Allah, the truth is that this story started before I was born, when my mother ask Allah (whom she called God) for a child and dedicated the child’s life to His service.

Sometimes, when we forget that Allah is in the prayer answering business and because the answer does not resemble what we believed we asked for, we think we have been forsaken. Recently I wrote my mother telling her

“See how God works! He has made your prayer a reality for me. Sometimes we can’t see that God does answer prayers, but I am a witness to His answering your prayer for me.” Alhamdulillah.

I was raised in a very strong Christian home. Most of my family members are evangelists and preachers) (father, mother, sisters and brothers). It is truly a miracle that at age 12 when I went to the church doctrine class, I could not believe their teachings because these teachings were against, what I came to know later as “Tawhid.” It was in this church that I learned the 10 commandments, the first three of which address the oneness of Allah and His intolerance of associations.

1. You shall have not other gods before me.

2. You shall not make unto yourself any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is I the heaven above, or in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

3. You shall not bow down to them nor serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God...

In 1985 as a young woman, when I was introduced to Al Islam, I had no problem with “I bear witness that there is no god, but Allah. He has no partner.” I only needed to learn about Prophet Muhammad (SAAWAWS). From 1985 to 2000, while Muslim (for the most part practicing), I refused to call myself a sunni. Even after 13 years of being Muslim, I had never chosen a school of thought. I didn't want to commit to be a Sunni and already had a healthy disdain for the 2nd Caliph, Umar, (May he suffer continuously for his transgressions).

I began learning about Shi’a from my best friends (Hasanah, Asiila and Ali Talib) who I met in 1989. May Allah bless and reward them with the best for their dawah and constancy. So while I refused to be called “sunni” on the one hand, on the other, I did not want to be part of the 'political' rift and call myself Shi'a. The truth is, for years I did not commit to trying to find out about it (I thought ignorance was bliss).

Bro. Ali tells me he recognized long ago that I was shi’a, but I did not like politics and definitely I was against splintering into sects. I resisted discussions about Shi’aism for 10 years. May Allah forgive me. Ali finished his epic poem on the life of Imam Husayn in 1998. For two years I held onto the tapes without listening to them.

When I finally listened, I realized how ignorant of the history of Islam I really was. By time the tape got to the battlefield of Karbala, I could not stop crying. You see this served as my first real introduction to the Ahlul Bayt (Alaiyhus Salaam). You see I was one of them "Muslims" who didn't know anything about the history of Islam.

Bro. Ali's tape made it easy for me. Madhab-"less," I would listen to them driving to work. There were times when I would just sit in the parking lot and be late listening to them. My personal experience was that the description of the murder of Imam Hussein (AS) was so vivid that I was could actually "see" it. It was like I was there watching it all. Mashaa Allah, even as I write this, my eyes tear...

The gift was a mercy to me. Allah has been so very merciful to me because this gift softened my heart (mind) and opened up my mind to finally study the history and after serious heart searching, I pronounced that I had chosen the Jafferia Madthab...and would follow Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (SAAWAWS) as taught by the Ahlul Bayt (AS). Alhamdulillah.

Since then I have really started studying the religion of Islam as taught by the Ahlul Bayt. Where ahadith before was so contradictory, not there was consistency. Now Al Qur’an has taken on new meaning for me. May Allah bless all those who have provided me literature, listened to my rantings, and provided me instruction about the Ahlul Bayt (AS). Please make du’a for me that I will continue to grow on Al siratal mustaqeem and be of those who are momineen.
~Sister Gwana (Ajibola)

www.shiarightpath.com